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IELTS Essay Correction: Government Pay Parents to Stay at Home and Look After Children.

Some people think that the government should pay one of the parents of very young children to stay at home to look after their children. What do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages of this policy?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In this bustling world, people are busy in making money to give a better future to their children. Keeping this in view However, (If making money gives better future to children, why should governments pay parents to stay at home. You need to put a connecting word that expresses contrast with the previous statement.) some people believe that the government should provide either of the parents with appropriation (wrong word. Appropriate means taking possession of something. Lexical resource issue.) in order to nurture their babies by staying at home (You can improve the sentence structure by using SO THAT. X so that Y. Some people believe that the government should financially support parents so that they can stay at home and nurture their children.). However, while it helps in the positive development of children, it also makes the parents dependent (Dependent on what? on whom?).

First and the foremost, when any parent is (any = singular. Can’t use THEY to refer to ANY PARENT) parents are funded by the government, they do not have to worry about earning money and can easily spend ample of time with their young ones (You’re jumping from A to C without the logical placement of B – the BLUE portion.). It makes a relationship even stronger which is necessary for their a child’s evolution cognitive development (Since there is no NOUN in this sentence to which their can refer, it will refer back to the noun to which the previous sentence’s their refers – PARENTS.) (Evolution is related to biology. I’m sure that, biologically, the humanity is evolving.). For example, in some Asian countries, usually fathers work and mothers stay with their children helping them in every step of their life, be it eating, playing or studying. (Is the government providing financial support? Include this in the example to maintain context. For example, a few Asian countries such as Taiwan provide financial assistance to mothers to stay at home so that they can teach young children eating, walking, and studying manners.) In this way, children get attached to their parents and, later on, share every problem, feeling and experience with them. Consequently, they walk on the guided steps of their adults and hence become a better member of the societyYou seem to be jumping from one idea to another. I can’t see the link between “better members of society” and “share every problem, feeling, and experience.” Develop ideas logically so that A is followed by B and then C.

Firstly, when parents are funded by the government, they do not have to worry about earning money and can easily spend ample time with their young ones (IDEA 1). This strengthens their relationship and gives the opportunity to mothers to teach basic life skills to children (Explanation of Idea – Benefits.). Children learn table manners, puzzle games, basic hygiene and exercises at home (Further explanation of idea – basic life skills). This is not possible is at least one parent is not available at home (context with essay topic). (IDEA 1 concluded with a proper explanation. Now move to IDEA 2) Secondly, ……

On the contrary, these funds can be make people to live on the mercy of others. Such people themselves will not work hard They lose the habit of working hard to fulfill their requirements needs even when the babies get older. In a recent study held in the USA, it was found that around 60% of working mothers who were paid to stay at home and cherish raise their children, later on, did not continue their work later on. As a result, dependency will lead to redundancy and vice versa. (This idea is better developed than the previous one.)

In conclusion, although, by providing financial assistance to people, (It seems as if WORK is providing assistance to people. Restructure the sentence: In conclusion, although, by providing financial assistance to people, government assists parents in raising children …) work does not cause any hindrance in the path of child rearing (Bad sentence structuring will cost you bands), the drawback of being reliant on (reliant on what? Write clearly without any scope for interpretation.) cannot be overlooked.

You seriously need to work on sentence structuring to improve your expression.

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