Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Youngsters Opting for Artistic Professions.

Many youngsters are nowadays opting for artistic professions than the conventional ones.

Do you think that the advantages of this outweighs its disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Though IELTS examiners do not regularly frame task 2 questions on PROFESSIONS, here’s another actual IELTS exam question: Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

Answer:

Some would argue (there is no argument over the given statement. Youngsters ARE doing this. The question does not say “some people believe X, others think Y“) that many adolescents prefer artistic professions over the old conventional jobs in modern times. This essay will argue I believe (Remember – the question is addressed to YOU.) that despite (DESPITE vs ALTHOUGH – see below) although there are difficulties in establishing as an artist in the initial years for youngsters (alternate structure – see below), the benefits of showcasing their talent and becoming famous through their work far outweighs any drawbacks.

DESPITE and ALTHOUGH are similar. But they’re not the same. DESPITE is followed by a NOUN while ALTHOUGH is followed by a subject. Despite the difficulties (noun) in establishing as an artist …… Although there (subject) are difficulties in establishing …..

You can improve this sentence’s structure by making youngsters a subject for ALTHOUGH clause. I believe that although youngsters face numerous insurmountable difficulties in establishing as an artist during the initial years, ….. 

Though you need to improve the sentence structure, the paragraph structuring (placement of sentences in a logical manner) is good. (Did you note that in this sentence THOUGH is followed by YOU? YOU is the subject. Same as ALTHOUGH.)

Unlike other conventional professions like working for the multinationals or for the government where youngsters get handsome packages from the very beginning, opting artistic profession on the other side (Which side? What is the first side? UNLIKE X, Y construction is sufficient to express contrast. There is no need of “on the other side/ hand”.) makes them struggle hard initially to sell off (sell off means “to make a distress sale”. Lexical resource.) their work. This is because nobody knows who they are and, thus, they find it difficult to establish themselves and earn the livelihood (perfect parallelism – establish and earn.). For example, many great artists such as Leonardo da Vince and Michelangelo from the 17th century had faced many challenges (it is better to be more specific in an example) to live a life of poverty when they were young before being famous around the world since nobody knows knew them before they came into the limelight for their many great masterpieces such as Mona Lisa(Masterpiece – includes the word MASTER. It is made by a master artist. It is already great. Lexical resource.)

Despite the these disadvantages above, opting to become an artist helps youngsters to showcase their talent through their work. Many children are born creative and they are gifted to express themselves to the world through the art. Art It helps these youngsters not only to exhibit their masterpiece skills (I guess masterpieces are still years away. Lexical resource.) but also to gain fame around the world. For example, a survey conducted by The Times revealed that many youngsters opt to (opt = choose) choose an artist art field than ever before for the simple that they want to become famous and earn big sufficient (BIG is a low band word. Lexical resource.) money for future. Moreover, it allows many young artists to travel and explore the world by showcasing their work in different countries around the world.

In conclusion, the artist profession allows the young ones to display their talent, and gain fame and money that far outweighs (any = singular, disadvantages = plural) any supposed disadvantages of initial year struggles to earn and establish (earn and establish what? the disadvantages of earning money during the initial years.).

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