Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Youngsters Opting for Artistic Professions.

Many youngsters are nowadays opting for artistic professions than the conventional ones. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Undoubtedly, the 21st century has seen an unprecedented bend of youngsters towards artistic professions rather than the conventional jobs. This trend has various advantages like (such as is better than like. LIKE means things similar to talent exploration. Not talent exploration itself.) superior talent exploration, getting worldwide recognition and enormous wealth (parallelism: superior, worldwide, enormous are adjectives and, hence, parallel. Getting is a verb, talent is a noun and enormous is an adjective. Read the article on Rules of Parallelism.). However, there are petty disadvantages since it features uncertainty and insecurity of career. I strongly believe that this phenomenon has more benefits than the drawbacks.

A nice attempt in structuring the introduction. You’ve MENTIONED the advantages and disadvantages and clearly expressed your opinion. Need to work on grammar.

On the positive note, opting for an artistic profession (for artistic professions) means choosing a career of one’s interest based on instincts. Such job is the best medium to exhibit the inner talent and to channelize the flow of the mind. It definitely brings self-contention contentment (Contention refers to conflict. Contment refers to satisfaction. Be careful in using the right word.) and happiness. For instance, an Oxford study reveals that the people doing the job (Is this job an artistic profession? Task response.) of their interest show 30% more efficiency and productivity than the random workers.

Though the idea is fine as far as task response is concerned, it can be better developed. The example, certainly, is short of task response.

For instance, an Oxford study has found that engineers and doctors are abandoning science-based professions due to extreme stress and are increasingly adopting art as it brings peace and satisfaction.

Moreover, many people have earned great name and fame by doing commendable work in the field of music, dance, painting and other art forms. Not only they are well-known in their countries but also they have got worldwide recognition. Also, they have gained high financial status by adopting these professions. This motivates the young generation to choose an art-based career rather than a science-based one. For instance, M.F.Hussain, a renowned figure in the world of painting, has a property of billions and has got a place in the top 15 rich people in Asia ranked by Forbes Magazine is one of the 15 richest individuals in Asia, according to a Forbes Magazine study. Many youngsters aspire to be as successful as Mr. Hussain. (That’s fine. But you’ve not mentioned YOUNGSTERS. Does this encourage youngsters to adopt the art professions?)

Nevertheless, not everyone gets popularity in the desired artistic field due to the rapidly rising competition. Despite (Despite is used to express contrast. There is no contrast here. You’re stating the reason why they leave the profession midway.) facing all the Due to the extreme nature of hurdles and difficulties, many people have to leave in between and take another casual job for the livelihood of to support the family (livelihood of seems weird. take another job to earn livelihood.). For instance, one of my schoolmates was very keen of and good at music. He tried to pursue it as a career future aspect, (Wrong word – aspect. Please check its meaning and learn proper usage.) but even after devoting five years to it, he joined a job in local council to support his family. Besides, these jobs are quite c as one never knows when a  more talented face would replace him/her.

The idea can be better developed. What do you mean by hurdles and difficulties? I can’t understand it neither in the idea nor in the example. Make it more clear.

For example, one of my schoolmates, who was really good at music, abandoned his engineering career to pursue music professionally. However, even after working in that domain for five years, he earns an extremely low salary and has produced no album (hardship and difficulties). Finally, he has decided to join the local council to earn a livelihood.

To conclude, though there are certain risks of rising job insecurity and flourishing competition (parallelism – rising, flourishing), the advantages are far greater more radiant and vivid (I don’t think radiant and vivid are the appropriate words for advantages. Radiant is something that emits rays. Vivid is bright, intense, clear. They’re not related to advantages. Not even symbolically.). Artistic professions are liked by adults (not same as youngsters) as these are suitable for showcasing the abilities and provide reputation along with hefty wealth. (Severe loss of parallelism. suitable for A, B, C. A = showcasing, B = provide, C = hefty. suitable for showcasing abilities, earning reputation and acquiring wealth.)

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.