Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Modern Technology has made People Less Socially Active – 1.

Some people believe that modern technology has made people less socially active while others disagree. Discuss both the views and give your own view.

40 minutes, 250 words.

Answer:

Advancement in technology has brought many changes to the lifestyle of an individual. Therefore, (1) some people think that people are becoming socially inactive, whereas others do not favor this view (2). I partially agree with this statement.

1. You can’t draw conclusions in the introduction. THEREFORE is a word to indicate the conclusion.

2. It is better to mention the REASONS supporting each view. Example: While some think that this (refers to technology – promotes cohesion) is making people socially active by keeping in touch with distant friends, others believe the opposite as they spend lesser time with humans.

On the one hand, new technology latest devices such as smartphones (3) have made communication much more convenient. It has become easier to keep in touch with relatives, friends, and family using Facebook, Twitter and Skype (4) which was not possible previously. Thanks to technology, as both verbal and virtual communication is are just a click away through devices such as mobile phones, digital wrist watches, and laptops. Hence, such technological devices help in social interactions.

3. Though ‘new technology’ is not incorrect, it is vague in nature. It is better to be as specific as possible. What do you mean by ‘new technology’? Name the things that constitute it.

4. Make the response more specific otherwise, the second sentence is the same as the first sentence. There is no difference.

Though you’ve tried to explain the idea in detail, it can be better developed by writing more specifically (precisely).

On the other hand, it is also true to some extent that some people, especially youngsters, are becoming less social. They like to spend spending several hours playing games on computers rather than to spend investing their spare hours time with their grandparents (5). Consequently, children will not be able to know about the experiences and histories of their elders, which (6) can help in inhibit their cultural understanding cognitive development. For instance, an oxford study explains that children who stay glued to screens like television and gadgets, perform poorly in schools. (7)

5. Several word repetitions – spend, hours. Writing collocations such as several hours will make a positive impression.

6. Wrong message – your sentence means that NOT knowing about experiences and histories will HELP in cognitive development. Read carefully. Better write inhibit. Also, there is no logical relation between experiences of elders and the cognitive development of children. Change this to cultural understanding.

7. Task response. Okay, they perform poorly. But the question is about social activity. Are these children less socially active? Restructure: For instance, an Oxford study found that the children who stay glued to screens like televisions often lack communication skills and they can not interact with strangers (= socially inactive). This hampers their career prospects.

Secondly, progression in technology and science has lessened (reduced) physical interactions to a greater great extent (8). People, especially those living abroad, do not attend wedding ceremonies and social gatherings because they can virtually participate in these through video calls. This has widened the gaps between relatives relationships. (9)

8. If you use GREATER, it is advisable to use “greater X than Y.” The status of the President is greater than that of the ministers. Similar to taller than, smaller than.

9. Relationship refers to the connection between people. You can’t widen the connections. Wrong word choice. Prefer RELATIVES.

To sum up, I reiterate my opinion, although technology provides easier and reliable source of keeping in touch with the loved ones, it has also changed priorities and reduced physical participations.

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