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IELTS Essay Correction: Trend of Increasing Amount​ of Consumer Goods​ – 1.

There is a trend of increasing amounts of consumer goods, which leads to environmental problems. What are the reasons for this trend? Give your own opinion and solutions.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The consumption of consumer goods has increased manifolds in the recent years, mMany of them have detrimental effects on the environment. In my view, improved financial conditions and persuasive advertisements are the reasons of for this development. However, (1) consumerism can be checked by following some preventative measures.

1. Please use the connecting devices such as HOWEVER very carefully. It is used to express contrast. The previous sentence is about reasons for the increasing use of consumer goods and the resultant environmental pollution. The next sentence, which is about solutions, is not contrasting with the previous sentence.

This also relates to the use of NEVERTHELESS at the beginning of body paragraph 2. In body paragraph 1 you’ve mentioned the problems consumer goods cause (reasons, basically). You should use NEVERTHELESS or HOWEVER, only if you’re mentioning the benefits (contrast of problems). Example:

People have a tendency to change smartphones every year and this causes severe environmental pollution. This, nevertheless, results in creation of economic activity and generation of jobs.

The introduction is well constructed and you’ve mentioned the reasons. Good job!

Owing to the phenominal growth of the economy in different countries, (2) the per capita income and purchasing power of people has have improved. This results in purchasing of luxurious goods such as car, which is a major contributor of to air pollution, is a common phenomenon. (3) In other words, there is an increase of cars on road (which has degraded air quality) because people can afford to buy them due to economic growth that took place in the last 20 years. (4) In addition, advertisements of various products such as mobile phones and laptops, play significant role in alluring people to buy these goods. (5) Disposal of electronic waste is a daunting task and has become a headache of authorities since it leads to severe air, water, and land pollution(6)

2. A modifier. “Owing to the growth of the economy in different countries” is a modifier that gives additional information about per capita income and purchasing power. A modifier is always separated from the main sentence by a comma. Please read my article on MODIFIERS. You can avoid this construction by changing the sentence’s structure:

The per capita income and purchasing power of people have improved due to the phenomenal growth of the economy in different countries.

3. The sentence has ended at air pollution. The strikethrough portion does not convey any meaning. Rather, it destroys the sentence structure. Read the sentence carefully.

4. Any repetition related to words or clauses or sentences is not recommended in formal English writing because this does not convey any new message. This sentence is a mixture of the previous two sentences. This does not convey new ideas. This sends a message to the examiner that you lack words to express ideas and you will lose the lexical resource score. You could have written something like:

Similarly, as income increases, people purchase goods that they desire but do not need. For example, an average Indian changes her smartphone every two years and this leads to severe land, air, and water pollution.

5. Please EXPLAIN the idea. As the memory, display, screen size and camera quality of smartphones improve, advertisements compel people to purchase the new devices and abandon the previous ones.

6. Why has the disposal of electronic waste become a daunting task? Does this lead to environmental pollution? You must write this to improve task response.

Nevertheless, (See 1 above) government can take numerous initiatives by encouraging citizens to adopt public transport instead of buying and commuting in private cars. This would discourage (7) or limit the density of vehicles on roads which would ultimately lower the deterioration of the environment. Furthermore, regulations of on advertisement on in printed and on electronic media can be a solution to extense contain excessive consumerism. For example, an advert advertisement of a specific product can be monitored and should not be allowed to advertised be telecasted too frequently (8). This may have an adverse affect on a revenue of media agencies but manipulation of people to buy impulsively and thoughtlessly can be stopped.  

7. Wrong word choice: You can’t discourage the density of vehicles. Lexical resource score suffers.

8. Use the complete words only. Not short forms. Avoid word repetitions. 

9. You’ve made numerous mistakes of prepositions. I recommend you to make a list of these mistakes on a piece of paper and revise it frequently.

Despite numerous mistakes, you’ve written the ideas and explained them well.

In conclusion, the reasons why people buy more consumer goods that have a negative impact on the environment, (no comma here) are increased purchasing of power of people and power the influence of advertisements (10). This negative development can be addressed , (no comma) if governments raise awareness about public transport and regulate the advertisement industry.

10. Word repetition.

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