Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Youngsters Opting for Artistic Professions – 3.

Many youngsters are nowadays opting for artistic professions than the conventional ones. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays, young adults are moving more towards professions that require innovations and creativity rather than to handle the data and the tasks (See 1 below). While this provides them a chance to show talent and become more successful in life, this also causes lack a scarcity (see 2 below) of conventional professionals.

1. Parallelism: Please read my article of the Rules of Parallelism… professions that require A rather than B. Parallelism demands that the first words of A and B should belong to the same family. While innovations is a noun, to handle is a verb. Data is a noun.

2. There are certain words that express the ideas better than others. Here, scarcity is a better word than lack.

The introduction is well structured. You’ve opened with a general statement and the MENTIONED the advantages and disadvantages that you plan to discuss in body paragraphs.

First and the foremost, artists earn more money than other professionals jobs. (See 3 below) Once they get enrolled in jobs such as singing, dancing, acting or painting, slowly and (See 4 below) gradually they gradually (See 5 below) become famous and successful. For instance, Angelina Jolie, after starting her career as an actress, became very famous and now she earns millions of dollars for just a single film (for a film) (See 6 below). Hence artists earn more fame and success then accountants and engineers.

3. You can’t compare ARTISTS with JOBS. Do not compare Apples with Oranges. Compare artists with professionals.

4. Slowly = gradually. They mean the same thing. This also counts as repetition since you’ve written something that does not convey any new message.

5. Gradually is an adverb that should be placed before a verb. Become is the verb.

6. Single = a. They have the same meaning.

The idea is clearly stated and sufficiently explained. Though there are mistakes, as pointed above, the logical flow and task response are fine.

Secondly, innovative minds (See 7 below) get the opportunity to uncover their talents in front of the audience. This is not possible if youngsters choose professions other than arts. (See 8 below) Engineers and doctors are neither inclined to show their talent nor allowed to perform before people. Artists, on the other hand, have the freedom to act independently. Popular singer, Atif Aslam, for example, performs in different concerts and shows every other day while millions of engineers carry out the same mundane activities in their offices. (See 9 below) Therefore, such stage performances provide chances to the people to show their abilities.

7. Do innovative minds refer to artists? This can refer to innovative people in any sphere – engineers, doctors, accountants, etc. Wrong word choice will reduce the lexical resource score.

8. You’ve not explained why? Why “this is not if youngsters choose professions other than arts“? The idea lacks proper explanation. This will impact the task response score. The sentences in BLUE color explain this idea.

9. The example is incomplete without a comparison with engineers. Atif Aslam shows his talents to the people. That’s fine. But you must mention that conventional careers do not offer this opportunity. You’ve done this in the idea (This is not possible if youngsters choose professions other than arts). Need to do this in the example as well.

The idea as well as the example need more and better explanation. The task response is not strong.

However, young people selecting arts and crafts as a career has disadvantages as well. If more and more people choose arts and not science after schools, there will be a debt shortage (see 10 below) of other professionals such as doctors. This A (see 11 below) society needs more doctors than artists as a basic need. (See 12 below) As a result, the health of people is going to suffer (See 13 below). An example of this is that For example, a recent Oxford study showed that around 80% of youngsters chose arts as a field of interest and this caused 60% decrease in the number of health professionals. As a result, the health of people is going to suffer and there would be an adverse effect on the nation’s health (See 14 below).

10. Debt refers to something that you owe to someone. This is not the same as scarcity or shortage.

11. THIS is a referencing device that refers to a noun or a clause that you’ve used earlier. It does not refer to any particular society here. Please use “A” for any society.

12. “As a result” refers to the previous sentence. So, it must be placed after the idea that there will be a shortage of other professions.

13. An idea which is well developed always fetches more bands. Instead of restricting the explanation to doctors, include all professions. As a result, while the society will suffer from poor health care, the economy will be short of engineers to make roads, dams, computers, and power.

14. Nation’s health does not mean anything.

Though the idea is clearly stated, The explanation is insufficient.

In conclusion, although enrollment of young adults in arts has merits of being popular and exploring talents, the demerit of decline in the number of doctors (See 15 below) conventional professions is weightier.

15. Do not restrict yourself to doctors only. Include all conventional professions.

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