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IELTS Essay Correction: New Technology is Improving the Lives of Workers – 3.

Some people say that new technology always brings advantages to workers lives. Others say that it has many disadvantages. Discuss both views and say your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the sample answer HERE.

Answer:

Technology is getting better day by day and (1) it is commonly believed that workers lives are also improving by the advancements in technology because it (2) reduces the complexity of work. Whereas some argue that new technology has (3) they have more drawbacks because jobs humans (4) are being replaced with by the latest equipments, and people are becoming lethargic. I believe in the latter view.

1. Technology is getting better = advancements in technology. You’ve written the same idea in different words. Redundancy.

2. This pronoun should refer to ‘advancements’. It must be plural. They reduce.

3. It is better to use a referencing device to promote cohesion and to avoid repeating the noun.

4. The JOBS are still there. Machines are replacing human workers in those jobs.

On the positive side, the latest technological advancements enable workers in completing to complete their job easily. In factories, for instance, computers perform a variety of tasks such as computing bills and printing documents with more accuracy and without any difficulty. This work, if done manually, would consume more time and require hard work. (5) Admittedly, Similarly, (6) pickup trucks and loading machines can lift more weight heavyweights than a worker lifting it on shoulders. Another example of latest machines are is (7) the washing machines in the laundry which not only washes wash (8) the clothes but also dries dry (8) and iron it, making it easy for the laundry worker to collect and pack the ready after (??) product. Thus, these advanced technological (9) technologically advanced machines have significantly improved reduced (10) the job complexity of the workers.

5. This idea is well developed in a precise manner. Good job!

6. Admittedly is not the right connecting device. It means that you’re confessing to something. Admitting something. How does that relate to the previous sentence? It does not promote cohesion in your response. Similarly, on the other hand, means something similar to the one stated in the previous sentence. This connects the two sentences. Choose the connecting device wisely.

7. Another = singular. Subject-Pronoun disagreement.

8. Washing machines = plural. Subject-Verb disagreement.

9. There is nothing called a technological machine. The machine includes technology.

10. Improving complexity = Making something more complex.

You’ve used several words incorrectly in the above paragraph – admittedly, heavyweights, improved. Though the ideas are well-developed, you need to work on lexical resource and grammar. There are multiple mistakes of subject-pronoun and subject-verb agreement.

On the negative side, the biggest disadvantage is that worker jobs are being replaced by automatic machines, which are able to work for longer durations than human beings. For example, many grocery stores in Australia have installed automatic teller machines fully equipped for the payments payment of bills. This has triggered unemployment and reduced the demand of for labor (11). Secondly, more use of technology is making people dependent on it, and they live a sedentary lifestyle. People are becoming obsessive in possessing and spending time on the latest gadgets, resulting in loss of energy and gain of obesity. (12)

11. The sentence can be better developed by mentioning the type of employees who have lost jobs. You should not leave any scope for interpretation by writing specifically. This has triggered huge loss of jobs among clerical staff in the banking sector.

11 continues…. PLUS: You can’t trigger unemployment. Unemployment is the state of not being employed. Job losses can be triggered which will lead to unemployment.

12. Loss of 1 and 2 = Loss of energy and loss of obesity. Incorrect.

While the former idea is fine on task response, the latter is not. The question is about WORKERS, not about people. Is technology making workers more sedentary? You lost context here.

In conclusion, though new technology is improving the lives of the workers by making their job easy, I believe that it is consuming many jobs and people are becoming dependent on it.

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