Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: The Proportion of Older People is Steadily Increasing.

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In many parts of the world, some people believe that the rising population of older people is good for the nation because they can pass on the traditional values to the next generation. I believe that it is a problem for any country because of the huge financial strain on the healthcare sector.

Simple and well-structured introduction. Two sentences – one for each view. Mentioned reasons that support each view.

On the one hand, it is thought that older people are the pillars of any society. Unlike new generation which is on the verge of losing cultural and traditional values under the influence of western culture, they help in maintaining these values which are important for the survival of unique identity of any particular region. (I love the way you’ve carried the explanation sentence. Perfect use of cohesive devices unlike, which to connect various clauses into a complete sentence.) For example, many British ruled eastern nations are becoming westernized and losing their unique culture identity because of fewer population of old people.

The question is not about the falling population of the elderly in a few countries. It is about their rising population in others. Moreover, the example is not strong since it lacks data. It is less specific. For example, a large elderly population in India has ensured that the ethos of Indian culture ranging from respect for parents and belief in holy books are respected by the youth as well.

On the other hand, the large population of older people means that the government’s maximum spending will be on the healthcare sector. This is because retired people they (refers to older people in the previous sentence) are more prone to serious health conditions such as heart attack, bone disease, cancer, and blood pressure, and they often need to visit doctors for regular check-ups and sometimes even for operations. This puts (exerts) a huge burden on the government’s treasures finances (treasury) as it is there the government’s duty to provide health services to these people. For example, it is estimated that Japan’s spending on healthcare sector has increased by almost 40% during last 5 years because of rising disproportion of old people population. This has strained the country’s finances for youth-centric programs such as free education and better infrastructure. (How has the excess expenditure on healthcare impacted the government/ country?)

Note the use of words – exerts, treasury, strained.

You’ve developed the arguments in a logical and accurate manner. However, there is a scope for improvement, as mentioned in the corrections above.

In conclusion, although the increasing population of old people can help in preserving and imparting the cultural values, I believe that this is negative development because of huge government spending on healthcare services. (… , I believe that this adversely impacts the government’s budget/ finances/ treasury.)

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.