Answer Checking

IELTS Essay July 2018 Correction: Children Should go to Kindergarten Before Attending Primary School – 3.

Some people think that children should go to kindergarten before attending primary school, while others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

While some people believe that kids ought to attend pre-school before the primary school since they learn to socialize and do various activities. O , others opine that they should be at home all the time with parents before joining the school as it helps them to develop a strong bond with the family members. I agree with the former view.

The introduction is well-constructed and clearly written. Please note that the school may refer to either pre-school or primary school. It is better to write kindergarten instead of pre-school.

On the one hand, it is believed that when children go to kindergarten, they learn to assimilate (wrong word. Assimilate refers to absorbing something. You can assimilate someone’s habits and culture. But not the person.) socialize with other fellow their peers (peer includes the word fellow.(socialize with the peer group). In other words, the school’s environment allows children to make new friends and to develop basic communication skills. For example, various studies by psychologist suggested that children who had attended kindergarten face fewer difficulties in making new friends during their time at primary school. Moreover, children they get the chance to do numerous activities such as playing puzzles, drawing pictures and singing songs, which sharpens their mind and helps in their overall development.

Good job! The ideas are clearly stated and well-developed. You’ve taken care of grammar (tenses, parallelism, etc) and cohesion.

On the other hand, spending time at home enables children to build a strong bond of love and affection with the parents. This is very crucial because it allows children to share their problems with ease to easily with their loved ones, and they can help children who can help them to overcome any difficulty difficulties faced by them (1). For example, in many western countries such as France, parents prefer to keep their children at home instead of sending to kindergarten so that they can spend as much time as possible in order to build a strong relationship with them. (2)

1. Two grammar issues: Firstly, one pronoun family must refer to one noun only. Their, they, them should refer to children, But, in your sentence, they refers to parents. So, I’ve changed the structure. Secondly, ANY = singular. Use difficulty instead of difficulties.

2. This is NOT an example. You’ve restated the idea by using France. If you are unable to create a strong example, it is better to elaborate on the idea. Do not write the example. Let me write the third sentence of the above paragraph: 

Once children develop a habit of sharing their problems, which is not possible when they attend a kindergarten, they can comfortably discuss daily events in the primary school with their parents. This discussion may include any bullying at school or difficulty in understanding a subject.

In conclusion, although staying at home helps children to build a strong relationship with parents, I think that kindergarten enables children to mix up with other students and to learn new activities. 

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