Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Career VS Family and Friends.

Some people say that it is necessary to give importance to your career, while some say that it’s important to spend time with your family and friends. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Work-life balance is a buzzword these days because individuals are unable to set boundaries between their social and professional lives. (Excellent opening statement.) While some people suggest that it necessary for people to set high priorities for their professional careers, others opine that it is crucial to spend time with their family members and friends. This essay will discuss both the viewpoints before personal perspective is declared(Let us avoid this statement. Of course, you will do this. No need to mention that. PLUS, the question is for YOU. Not the ESSAY. STATE your opinion here.) I strongly believe that the right approach is to strike an optimum balance between the two.

There are mainly two explanations why people believe that professional careers should be given paramount importance. Firstly, in order to survive in today’s global job market where competition is fierce, an individual has to devote a substantial amount of time and energy to be competent and make himself update to update himself with the latest technology, so that, so that (wrong comma placement) he would not loose lose his job. (You’ve not explained the idea. For instance, since technology in the computer industry changes every two years, a software engineer has to learn new languages such as python to keep her job. Learning a new computer takes months and this often requires sacrificing time for the family.) Secondly, it is a matter of social prestige to be successful at the professional level (front). Since people who have reached the pinnacles of their career enjoy high social status. That is why; , it is advised by many advisable that one’s work should be given higher (utmost) priority than familySuccessful businesspersons such as Richard Branson, Bill Gates, Ingvar Kamprad are celebrated due to their extreme focus on career.

A nice attempt at generating ideas. However, they are not developed in the right fashion. Need to EXPLAIN things.

However, many argue that it is vital to devote a significant amount of time for family affairs and for widening friends’ circles (widening is not parallel to family. Make them parallel using FOR.). Even though people in advanced societies enjoy economic prosperity and lead lavish lifestyle, their social lives suffer due to (a little amount of time) dearth of time being spent on for cementing and strengthening relationships (Can’t SPEND – dearth of time. Can spend time.). For example, the divorce rate in the US and UK is increasing only because people have shortage of time to spend to garnish (nourish) their social lives. Apart from this, a considerable proportion of the population in advanced societies is prone to depression and the root causes of which this are loneliness and social isolation (Use of WHICH: prone to depression which is primarily due to loneliness and social isolation). These people spend most of their time developing careers and have almost no time for their spouse, parents, and children. To overcome such problems, therefore, people feel it is wise to spend time with family and relatives. (… people feel it is wise to take some time off from professional commitments and invest it with family.) (Wrong use of therefore. You’ve not DERIVED a conclusion logically.)

Both ideas are much better developed than the ideas in body paragraph 1. The arguments can be better developed.

After analyzing both the standpoints, I conclude that a person should try to establish a balance between a social and a professional life as both of them have an equal significance in today’s world.

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