Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Spend Money to Enjoy Life or Save it for Future?

Some people earn money and spend it to enjoy life, others save money for the future.

Discuss both points and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Splurging money is the way by which many people enjoy life, while others prefer saving that money for the future. I think that leading a balanced life where we pay some money to get pleasure and save some to protect our future is the most ideal approach. 

The introduction can be improved by MENTIONING the reasons supporting each argument.

According to some people leading a happy life is what makes us stronger, healthier and refreshed, according to some. People nowadays are working more hours on average than in the past and, thus, are more vulnerable to depression, anxiety and other types of problems. (1) Therefore, they are advised to pay for whatever activities, services and products that can make them happier in order to avoid getting depressed or anxious (You’ve already said this in the previous sentence – repetition). Their expending (2) Expending money, in that case, is not only useful but also required considering the aforementioned benefits they can gain in their daily life.

1. This sentence’s structure can be improved by NAMING the things that make people happy. Note that you have used THUS in the previous sentence and THEREFORE in this sentence. Overuse of concluding words is not recommended. Doctors often advise these people to purchase items such as a new music gadget or a smartphone or a car that can make them happy for a few days.

2. Some verbs are accompanied by an object. EXPEND = spend. Both expend and spend are used with an object.

On the other hand, other people think that life is unpredictable and it is better to be ready for its the worst case scenarios (3). Saving money for such cases can evade (4) the savers serious monetary problems later in their life. Rationally, no one should take his current life for granted. Those who are healthy and money makers make money today, may end up jobless or disabled in the near future. If people do not start today to reserve money create a corpus when they have resources, they may end up homeless and poor when they lose their jobs or have a severe accident. (The idea is well developed though there are areas of improvement in sentence structure.)

3. Note how your sentence’s structure is incorrect: …. that life is unpredictable and that better to be ready …. The underlined portion does not make sense. Now rewrite it as “and that it is better to be ready ….

4. How can MONEY evade the savers? People can evade a problem. Evade = escape. You sentence is incorrect. Saving money for such exigencies can help people evade monetary problems later in their life.

Personally, I (I includes personally) believe that what we can allocate some of our income to entertain ourselves, and another part to save for our future. With the percentage of each depending on the each one’s conditions (incomplete sentence.). (A sentence beginning with WITH has two elements that are linked to each other. With these resources, I will build an unimaginable business empire.)

I believe that we must allocate a portion of our income to enjoy various luxuries and another portion to save funds for an uncertain future. The proportion of these allocations depends on the income of an individual. Lesser the income of an individual, more he should save.

This paragraph can be made a part of the conclusion.

To conclude, while many people advise to spend money to enjoy life, others recommend keeping it for later stages in life. I think that a balance of the two ways should be followed to lead a fulfill and secured life. 

Conclusion: To conclude, while many people advise spending money to enjoy life, others recommend keeping it for later stages in life. I believe that we must allocate a portion of our income to enjoy various luxuries and another portion to save funds for an uncertain future. The proportion of these allocations depends on the income of an individual. Lesser the income of an individual, more he should save.

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