Some people say that health care and education should be the responsibility of the government but others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Education and healthcare facilities are the basic necessity of life. Although
, some people consider government is liable for healthcare and educational facilities but , others say it is the responsibility of the public itself (The correct construction is Although X, Y. Do not use but in this construction.). This essay will discuss why government should pay some amount for the health care and education but why individual should be deemed responsible for paying their expenses for education and healthcare. (1)
1. This sentence does not convey any now idea/ information. It basically conveys ine idea expressed in the previous sentence. Moreover, an introduction is meant to lay the PLAN for body paragraphs. This can be done by MENTIONING the things you plan to discuss in the body.
Getting help from the government is considered to be beneficial to live a prosperous life (P1)
and since paying for medical treatment and health care by people are thought of as a burden (P2) (2). However, (3) government extracts (subject-verb disagreement: government = singular, verb should have s/es.) heavy taxes from the workforce as income tax and from house owners as property tax and other types are also put on the general public (4) and described as people‘s responsibility to pay. Therefore, it is also a fundamental duty of the government to pay some amount for essential facilities like medical care and study. A recent study reveals that in a list of developed countries, Australia tops the countries that pays pay (subject = countries. Subject-verb disagreement.) the maximum amount for the general public’s education and study (5). If the government shares the cost of treatment and study with the public then the unnecessary financial burden on people can be loosened up on people reduced/ relaxed and they can save their money for other matters. (loosen = make something less tight. If you wish to use this word, it can be done in the following manner: … then the GRIP of unnecessary financial burden on the people can be loosened.)
2. This sentence has two parts. P1 and P2 which are connected using AND. Read P1 and P2 separately and then try to formulate a relationship between the two. You will notice that P2 results in P1. The connecting device AND is wrong. The right device is since or because. Plus, you can make a better sentence structure by using ACTIVE voice and beginning the sentence with SINCE. Since medical treatment and healthcare are expensive activities, people prefer governments to finance them.
3. Wrong use of HOWEVER. It is used to express contrast. I can’t see a contrast with the previous statement. In fact, you’re using this statement to JUSTIFY that government must finance healthcare. There is no contrast.
4. The right structuring of ideas matters a lot. You have two types of taxes – income and house. Whenever such as situation arises, here is a standard sentence construction: The government extracts various types of taxes such as income tax on employees and employers, and property tax on house owners. It is the people’s responsibility to pay these taxes on time. Note that you have two interconnected ideas – taxes, responsibility to pay. I’ve chosen to write them in sequence as separate sentences. This helps maintain the meaning of both ideas. If you write them in the same sentence, you may fail to CONNECT them and lose the sentence’s meaning.
5. The example lacks context with the paragraph’s theme. Does Australia charge heavy taxes from the people that it uses to finance healthcare and education? This is not clear. A better version of this example is: For example, Australia, which charges the highest direct and indirect taxes in the world (build context), finances complete basic healthcare and primary education for all citizens. There are no charges for a regular visit to a doctor and students attend school free of cost.
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