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IELTS Essay Correction: Only Society Should be Blamed for Anti-Social Activities.

Some people think that only the society should be blamed for the anti-social activities. What are the causes for these activities? Who is responsible for them?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the model essay as well.

Answer:

The contemporary world is drastically threatened by the rapid growth of crime rate in different societies (This won’t cost you bands, but WORLD includes different societies). Some people believe that only the society is responsible for these acts (1), but, to my understanding, an unequal distribution of opportunities and wealth along with biased behavior of society is are accountable for unlawful deeds. Authorities running the government are responsible for these(2)

1. Note that to score really well on the IELTS exam, your referencing has to be accurate. Crime rate is not an act. Crime is. ‘These acts’ should refer to crime only.

2. I understand that ‘authorities’ are responsible for ‘unequal distribution of opportunities and wealth’. But you should mention the main reasons only. Not the source behind a reason. This should be EXPLAINED in the body paragraphs.

To commence with, any individual seeks for equal opportunities in all the aspects, but, when these are not obtained, frustration is caused and people commit anti-social acts (3). For instance, even after getting a good professional degree, when young people do not get the relevant job, they commit robberies and thefts either to support their family or in mere disappointment. Also, the society abandons the person with low modus-vivendi (Explain modus-vivendi in the next sentence before concluding that this forces them to commit a crime.). People who do menial jobs and earn inadequate remuneration are often starved while a minority of rich individuals enjoy all luxuries. Thus, to earn money and status, one has chooses to follow the path of anti-social activities. (Let us not say that the path of crime is the only way. Let us use the word choose.)

3. You can avoid PASSIVE voice ‘frustration is caused’ by restructuring the sentence as: … obtained, people get frustrated and commit anti-social activities. (People – 1. get … and 2. commit.)

The former idea is well explained and structured. The latter needs better development (explanation).

Moreover, the unequal distribution of wealth due to a corrupt system is also responsible for this problem. In many countries, talented and diligent youth is unemployed due to the corrupted recruitment process (This is the same as the explanation above. Professional degree – relevant job.). Jobs are offered only by greasing the palms of a higher authority. For instance, a report by the UNO reveals that in India 90% of high-paying vacancies are filled on the basis on reference, owing to which 50% of educated unemployed people are getting indulged in illegal things. (This is NOT a fresh point but a rephrasing of the idea mentioned in the previous paragraph.)

Let me explain how the paragraph on WEALTH should have worked: Moreover, the unequal distribution of wealth leads to discontentment and loss of faith in the system. A society in which a few people enjoy the fruits of the hard work of the majority, the poor often feel disgruntled. For instance, thousands of workers produce goods in a manufacturing unit, but the entire profit is cornered by the management and poor workers get nothing for their labor. This forces some of them to resort to the path of crime to earn more money.

Politicians are the ones who have the onus on their shoulders to provide equal opportunities for one and all everyone since only they can only uplift the face of society (4). (5) But, regretfully, they are busy in filling their own pockets by satisfying the needs of only the upper section such as bureaucrats. Thus, the gap between haves and have nots is widening by making only a limited section wealthier.

4. Few issues: A. Do not write ‘shoulders’ with ‘onus’. The correct construction is ‘onus on X to Y’ – The onus on politicians to provide OR The onus of providing equal opportunities is on politicians. B. Wrong placement of ONLY. ONLY UPLIFT means that politicians can do one thing only – uplift. ONLY THEY means that nobody other than politicians can do this.

5. Explain how the onus is on politicians. Why ‘only they‘ can uplift the society? Politicians have the financial resources of a state to fund programs for equal opportunities and the bureaucratic machinery to implement these programs. Also, they have the support of the masses to smoothly implement the reforms that prevent a criminal activity.

In  essence, healthy and impartial efforts should be made by the politicians and higher authorities to provide equal opportunities for all so that the nation can progress and its citizens can be socially stable and economically prosperous.

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