Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Competitive Sports are Good for Bringing Together Different People and Cultures – 1.

Some people think that international competitive sports such as football bring conflict between people of different age groups and nationalities. Other think sport is helping reach understanding between people and nations. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

International sports events are blamed by some (better if you write active voice) for being the reason behind the conflicts that occur during those fierce competitions’ days between the fans of different ages and nationalities (What could be the possible reasons behind this? Mention them.). Others believe that they are a great opportunity for like-minded individuals to meet and create strong relations between people of different countries (A much better sentence than the previous one. Reason clearly stated.). I strongly take the latter’ side in this debate.

Some people blame international sports events for conflicts between people of different ages and nationalities since they promote groupism and nationalism (parochialism).

Due to the high intention taking along the games (Not clear. What do you mean by high intention taking along the games?) and the hatred dominating the atmosphere in the stadium among between the competing side’s fans, international sports events often end up in chaos. This conflict may develop and escalate to cause injuries and casualties among to the audience. This is very likely to happen in any competition sports event where the competitors belong to politically divided countries (All countries are politically divided. Their boundaries are not natural but political.). Furthermore, (this is not a new point but an extension of the previous point’s explanation – see my sentence in blue color below.) this conflict is more likely to move to all kind of social media in form of cursing and bickering between the nationalists of those countries regardless of the age, sex and education level. 

The idea and explanation in the above paragraph lack coherence. There is no logical flow. Ideally, you should have raised the issues in following order: Nationalism – Hatred – Example. Sports events should be visible in all three. I’ve underlined the words that help in maintaining context.

Sports events are fertile grounds for expressing nationalism which often takes the form of hatred and conflict (IDEA of nationalism and hatred). When two teams of different countries play a match, people support their respective teams by celebrating a victory or getting aggressive at a defeat. This often leads to violence and consequent loss of life and property (Explain nationalism and hatred in detail). For example, during the India-Pakistan match in the cricket world cup in 2018, the supporters of the losing side resorted to violence that left several people injured. This conflict soon spilled over to social media and nationalists on both sides expressed anger on Facebook.

On the other hand, I strongly believe that sport events may form a golden opportunity to de-escalate tension and reach agreements. In any international sport event, people at all levels of all age groups from different countries get to meet each other and have a mature and fruitful dialog which may conduce to a better understanding and long-term agreements. (The idea and explanation are more clear and better structured than those in the previous paragraph.) The Olympic sport event last year, for example, helped to break the ice between North Korea and the US when politicians from the two countries met and discussed the concerning controversial subjects. As a result, a meeting between the presidents followed which ended up by in signing a long-waiting much awaited peace deal. If the Olympic event had not taken place, the world would have not have witnessed the end of such a terrible conflict. (Good job!)

In conclusion, many people think that sports events result in disputes between nations, whereas others I believe that they are vital in easing the tension between the conflicting nations. More such events should be conducted to solve pestering global issues. (should be = it is my opinion)

(Where is your opinion in the body paragraphs?)

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