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IELTS Essay Correction: Competitive Sports are Good for Bringing Together Different People and Cultures.

Some people argue that competitive sports are good for bringing together different people and cultures. Others argue that these sports can cause problems and increase conflicts between nations. Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

While some people believe that sports competitions between nations help to bring different people and culture together as they get to travel and learn about the place where the events are organized, others opine that it creates problems and increases the chance of confrontations between countries because people tend to get overexcited during matches. I agree with the former view.

The introduction is very well written and clearly structured. Good work!

On the one hand, (I strongly support the view that) it is thought that sport allows fans to understand a new culture and get along with people of other nations. This is to say that (1) during big sports events such as Olympics, Wimbledon, and Commonwealth games World cups of various sports (such as is used to give examples. Please be more specific than various sports.), host countries allow people of different nationalities to come and witness the spectacular event. This gives (use THEM to refer back to people of different cultures.) them chance to travelers from various parts of the world to experience the culture of the host nation during the stay. This strengthens the relationship among nations. For instance, in every Olympics, millions of people come to the host country. This eventually helps in improving the ties among nations(This is NOT an example. An example has some names, data, facts. This is a paraphrasing of the ideas expressed in the previous sentences. For example, during the Asian Games in Jakarta in 2018, millions of people and thousands of sportspersons from different countries visited Indonesia. This not only gave these people a better understanding of the Indonesian culture but also forged close friendships irrespective of religious and racial backgrounds.)

The idea is fine. But you need to be more specific to score better bands.

On the other hand, sports often lead to violence because people often (word repetition – often) take sports them too seriously. In other words, (1) many fans are passionate about games such as Football, and Cricket, and it is sometimes hard for them to digest the defeat of their team. The fans of the losing team, out of anger, often engage in serious brawls with the fans of different other countries and, sometimes, at worse, damage public property (2). For example, during 2016 Union of European Football Associations (UEFA) in France, after the Russian team was knocked out of the competition, their its fans had (wrong tense.) damaged public property in France and engaged in public fighting. After this incident, the France French government banned Russian citizens from entering their land the country and this had (wrong tense, again. See 3 below) raised tension between these two nations.

1. I’ve noticed that in both body paragraphs you use a couple of words to move from IDEA to EXPLANATION. In the first paragraph, these words are ‘this is to say that’, in the second these are ‘in other words’. This is neither required nor recommended. Of course, the second sentence is an explanation of the idea statement. No need to use a connecting device. Use it only when you move from one idea to another.

2. …. often – 1. engage in ….. and 2. damage ….. Engage and Damage are verbs and, hence, parallel. If SOMETIMES is not placed within comms, the comparison will be between engage and sometimes. The latter is an adverb. This will violate parallelism.

3. Past perfect tense is used when we are talking about PAST of PAST. For instance: When I reached home, my wife had already cooked the food. Reached home = past, cooked food = past of past.

In conclusion, although sports result in tension among nations because of the outrage of certain emotional fans, I believe that sports they allow people to experience a different culture and place.

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