Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Art vs Science.

In today’s world of advanced science and technology, people still value artists such as painters, musicians, and writers. How can art make a difference in our society that science and technology cannot?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In the contemporary times, the predominance of science and technology in each and every aspect of our lives is pushing us towards becoming mechanical. Thanks to the presence of artists who, by through their wonderful creations, provide food for our soul and keep us connected with our metaphysical self. There are myriad ways in which the work of artists can transform societies that science can not achieve.

To commence with, I believe the most prominent role played by artists is to analyze the inner personality of a human being and portray it in their paintings, or music or and writings. These serve as a mirror to the people who can introspect and understand their responsibility towards the society. (1) Another important contribution of these artists gets highlighted in the form of burning relieving the stress of the population (The sentence structure is weird. Shoot it straight: Moreover, the creative work of artists help people in relieving the stress.). When individuals come across a soothing piece of music or creative (2) writing or a profound blend of colors on the canvas, they forget their worries and live for the moment. (Is science incapable of doing this? Context missing. Science, on the other hand, is merely a conduit to carry such creative works of artists to the audience. It cannot make people happy by itself.) Consequently, these add charm to the life of a person.

1. Can science do this? How does this compare with science and technology? The question demands a comparison between the two. PLUS, the idea is fine. But the explanation is inadequate. What do you mean by ‘analyze the inner personality’? The second sentence is a conclusion of the idea, not its explanation.

Firstly, I believe the most prominent role played by artists is to analyze the inner personality of a human being and portray it in their paintings, music, and writings (IDEA). Artists have elaborately studied the behavior of leaders such as Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela for the benefit of humanity (EXPLANATION). Science cannot achieve this feat since it is incapable of studying human judgment and capability (CONTEXT). These serve as a mirror to the people who can introspect and understand their responsibility towards the society (CONCLUSION of the idea).

2. Not writing ‘a’ or ‘creative’ violates parallelism.

Apart from this, works of art provide artists as well as people the safest yet the strongest platform to channelize their emotions without becoming too mechanical causing any mass killings (The explanation has no mention of mass killings or how art prevents that. This is lack of coherence and logic.). Unlike science and technology, which renders selfishness to an individual when it comes to displaying one’s power and prowess, the creation of art (3) allows truth and honesty to float on the surface. (HOW? The idea is not thoroughly explained. There’s a lot of vagueness. See 4 below.) Furthermore, the golden history has witnessed the prodigious works of Shakespeare, Mozart and Leonardo Da Vinci, to name a few, which have successfully broken the bars of time, age and diverse cultures and adopted a universal appeal.

3. Comparing APPLES to ORANGES. Can’t compare science and technology with the creation of art. You must compare it with ART.

4. While science and technology make a person mechanical and objective so that he pursues monetary gains only, art allows people to be more human. It allows them to express emotions such as grief, anger, love, and passion in a constructive manner so that people give more importance to humanity than to money (Specific explanation).

To conclude, I would like to pen down that despite the presence of science and technology that has made our life comfortable beyond imagination and provided cure to many of our challenging problems, the worthiness of artists will never be overlooked (So, is ART making greater contribution to the world than SCIENCE? Not clear.). It is because a human being is not just flesh and blood. He is so much more – a mind, a heart and a soul.

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