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ISLPR Report: A Girl Injured During A Game.

When you were on playground duty, a girl was injured playing a game. Write a short report to go into the school files to report the incident.

150 words

Answer:

Name of the child: Alice Wang 

Date: 12th October 2018

Time 10:55 am

Description of what happened:

After the morning tea, I and two more other teachers went outside with a small group of children outside (repetition) to have a play time (1). A teacher had set up an obstacle course and some wooden boxes from where which children can could (maintain past tense. Past of CAN = COULD.) jump on the mat. Everyone was having fun with the jumping activity and, suddenly, Alice jumped backward from the box. As she was looking on the wrong side so she landed a little bit away from the mat. (Do not use SO with SINCE/ AS. )

1. I’m not sure if this is wrong, but this seems weird. TO HAVE can be used at numerous places – have breakfast, have some compassion, have some energy, have some time etc. I don’t think this is fine. Never heard it this way. It’s better to write: children to play softball.

Well done. This paragraph explains the circumstances of the incident well.

She hurt herself on her ankle and burst into tears. I quickly picked her up and took her inside (where? Be specific.) to the first aid room. Firstly, I checked her ankle properly and saw noticed (observed) a red mark around it. I gave her a cuddle and helped her to calm down. Then, I put an ice pack on her ankle which gave her some relief from her the pain. Moreover, as per the school’s protocol, I rang her mum and explained about what had (2) happened (transpired) as part of our policy(Wrong placement – the happening is not a part of the school’s policy.)

2. The correct tense is Past Perfect. It is used to mention past of past. Past is that you called her mother. The incident had happened before you called her mom. That’s past of past.

This paragraph explains the measures you took. The structuring is good. The actions are specifically explained. There is scope for more specificity (precision) and better sentence construction.

After about 15 minutes she was not crying stopped crying but still wanted to sat sit (main verb is WANTED) inside so I gave her a coloring activity. After 10 more minutes I asked her if she could try to walk a little bit. She stood up and walked with a limp so I seek support from another teacher to her ankle again (Overuse of SO. ‘to her ankle again’ – meaning not clear. She stood up and walked with a limp. Hence, I called another teacher to support her to walk properly.). Both of us were doubting doubted (wrong word – 3) that she had some internal injury (overuse of SO) so we . We rang her mum again and suggested her to take her to the doctor (4). She came within 30 minutes to pick her up.

3. DOUBT is not the right word here. When you doubt something, you are uncertain of that thing and you refuse to believe it. You missed the class yesterday, I doubt you explanation. – that is, you do not believe the other person. The right words here are ASSUME,  BELIEVE, SUSPECT.

4. Misplaced pronoun – though most exams will not penalize you for this mistake, let me point it out. One pronoun must refer to one noun only. HER refers to Alice or Alice’s mom? The first and third HER refer to Alice. The second refers to Alice’s mom. LOGICALLY – the school should have a doctor.

Since both of us believed that she had suffered from an internal injury, I called her mom and told her to visit the school doctor’s clinic.

The overuse of SO reflects that you are facing issues in CONNECTING sentences. There are alternatives I’ve proposed above. Please try to use them.

Actions taken: first aid, rang mum

Time when parents collected: 12 pm

Ginni

Teacher’s signature                                                                    Parent’s signature 

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