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IELTS Essay Correction: Internet Allows Us To Stay Connected or Isolates Us.

The internet allows us to stay connected with each other no matter where we are. On the other hand, it also isolates us and encourages people not to socialize. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the internet?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The internet is one of the most momentous inventions of modern mankind (There is nothing called MODERN mankind. It’s just mankind.). It is a great tool for doing many things such as learning new technologies, keeping abreast with current world affairs, exploring new places virtually and the most widely used (1) staying connected with friends and family all over the world through various mediums such as social media, online apps, emails, Skype and chat conversations. Although, it does seem wonderful, the reality is the internet is contributing to people not making an effort to meet each other in person since its it is providing cheaper ways to keep in touch. (The introduction is meant to lay the foundation for the body paragraphs. Let us stop the introduction here. You’ve written enough. You’ve mentioned the advantages and disadvantages of the internet.)

1. Parallelism – The rule of parallelism states that in certain situations (such as A, B, C, and D), the first words of all elements (A, B, C, D) should belong to the same family. While the first words of A, B, C are learning, keeping, exploring (all verbs), the first word of D is the – an article. ALTERNATIVE: Create a modifier – …. new places virtually and, the most widely used, staying connected …..

In person social interactions have reduced over the years which results has resulted in people feeling lonely and this could also cause depression in the long run (The use of THIS is important. THIS refers to people feeling lonely. If you do not use ‘THIS’, it is not clear WHAT could cause depression.). In today’s essay, I would like to dwell on the advantages and disadvantages of the internet in our lives. (Once you’ve mentioned the advantages and disadvantages – as done above – there is no need to write this sentence.)

Structure:

Introduction: Write a general sentence (opening sentence) and MENTION the advantages and disadvantages you plan to discuss in body paragraphs.

Body Paragraph 1: EXPLAIN the advantages you’ve mentioned in the introduction.

Body Paragraph 2: EXPLAIN the disadvantages you’ve mentioned in the introduction.

Conclusion.

The advantages of the internet cannot be denied, The greatest advantage of the internet is that the world has become a smaller place since the its advent of internet (Since you’ve used ‘the internet‘ once, use a pronoun to refer back to it.). Small towns and villages in the remotest parts of the world are connected to the rest of the world through the internet (let us avoid the repetition of this noun. Use a pronoun.) this phenomenal invention (= the internet). People use this as a channel to communicate with their friends and relatives and keep in touch through various apps on social media. For example, a cousin of mine traveled alone to a foreign country Canada and she regularly posted updates from her trip online and stayed in touch with her family every day through Skype video chat and Facebook messenger(What separates an example from a general statement? FACTS. An example has facts – names, dates, events, things, etc.)

The downside of using the internet extensively for online interactions is that actual, in-person interactions communications (avoid word repetition – interactionscease to exist. People are so busy posting content online that they do not have time to genuinely enjoy a good conversation with their loved ones. (This is the second point under disadvantages. Please use a connecting device.) Moreover, social media, the most visited place on the internet, (let us keep the internet in the picture.) also becomes has become a dangerous mode of comparison, where nothing is ever enough. You always need to be richer, prettier or (2) have more “online” friends to be happy superficially. This could prove detrimental in the long run as people start feeling isolated and subsequently fall into depression.

2. Violates parallelism. Richer, prettier = adjectives. Have = a verb. A, B or C. You can comfortably alter it by clubbing A and B under one group so that the comparison is between to be and have. You always need (X) to be richer and prettier or (Y) have more online friends ….. A and B are joined under X. The parallelism is between X and Y.

Therefore, in my opinion, (This is not an opinion essay.) the internet is a powerful medium which cannot be ignored. We should learn to use it for our betterment by updating our knowledge and skills through the myriad of resources that are available. We should use social media in moderation and should (parallelism – can you guess why?) not neglect personal interactions as relationships need to be nurtured to sustain the passage of time.

Strength – You’ve tried to develop the arguments well. Properly elaborating the arguments is crucial for scoring well. Though these can be better developed, you’ve made a nice attempt.

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