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IELTS Essay Correction: Offenders Commit More Crimes After Serving Punishment.

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Although, (no comma here. The construction is Although X, Y) punishment is considered as a deterrent, a majority of offenders again indulge in criminal activities after completing their first punishment. This perennial behavior of criminals (no need to write this. ‘THIS’ already refers to ‘a majority of offenders again indulge in criminal activities after completing their first punishment’is mainly due to social unacceptance after releasing them from the jail. However, in order to put bridle to (1) such criminals, governments should take initiative to rehabilitate and motivate them to make a decent an honest living citizen.

1. Wrong word: Bridle = control. It is a word used to mention control through FORCE. Rehabilitation and Motivation are not done through force.

To commence with, the prime factor responsible for the a criminal’s unmolded (no such word exists) nature is their his inability to gain acceptance of the society as well as of their families his family (Wrong pronoun usage. You can better structure this sentence: Criminals commit crimes recurrently primarily because they are unable to gain social acceptance.). (You’ve not explained SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE. What is it?) It is extremely important for the society to embrace people who have completed their sentence and give them an opportunity to lead an honest life (= social acceptance.). Owing to this negligence, they remain demotivated (for what? The idea is incomplete. If they are neglected, they will have no choice but to resort to the path of crime to ensure their survival.); consequently get attracted towards the crime world. Another imperative factor is the lack of work opportunities as law offenders are completely devoid of any vocational skill skills. (any = singular.) (Do not jump to a conclusion without adequately explaining an idea) They do not have any economically productive skill such as software development and cooking to earn a respectable living. Therefore, they feel that indulgence into unlawful acts is the only source of income for them and they resume their nefarious activities.

Your ideas are fine. However, you need to explain them adequately to develop a proper argument.

Since, (no comma here) such criminals create nuisance to the society, so, (no need of using SO with SINCE. Correct construction: Since X, Y.) effective measures need to be taken to deter them from crime, which not only makes their life better but also decrease the social unrest in society. (2) Primarily, governments should develop rehabilitation centers for the criminals, where they can learn some skills in order to make their earnings (sounds strange.) earn a respectable earning as well as acquire some moral and ethical values. Such rehabilitation would definitely help them to survive in the society after release from the jail their punishments (after their punishment is over.). Moreover, some social organisations can also provide assistance by organising motivational camps and seminars for offenders(Never leave any point unexplained. If you lack time to write and explain a new point, I suggest you elaborate on the previous point with an example.) For example, the Model Jail in Chandigarh trains its inmates in manufacturing snacks such as Samosa, Dosa, and Sweets so that they can earn a respectable living after the punishment is over.

2. Wrong use of the word DETER. Deter means preventing someone from doing something by THREATENING with dire consequences. It does not include rehabilitation. Example, capital punishment for rape is a deterrent. Reforming criminals is not deterrence.

To conclude, the criminals, who have served their punishments, must start a good life (this is vague. What is a good life? Be specific.) by restoring (You’ve mentioned above about ‘teaching new skills’, not restoring existing skills) their abilities and skills. (To conclude, the people, who have completed their tenure in a jail, should be given an opportunity to lead a socially acceptable life.) Conversely, (this word is used to express opposition. I can’t see this as opposite of the previous sentence.) Also, governments and society need to motivate (whom?) them and accept them as civilized human beings.

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