Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Illegal to Reject Someone Applying for a Job Because of Her Age – 2.

In some countries, it is illegal for employers to reject job applications on the basis of age criteria. Is it a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your own experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In some countries, it is now obsolete (1) to recruit people for jobs on the basis of their age. In my opinion, it is a right step as due to this many companies will do (maintain the present tense) not lose the most experienced and dynamic people.

1. Wrong word use. Obsolete is not the same as ILLEGAL. If something is illegal, it means it exists and is NOT obsolete. This will reduce the score in LR.

To begin with, the job application of many old age people is usually rejected as they lack the energy to work effectively. I believe that because of this many companies will (maintain the present tense) suffer a great loss of most skill full skillful and knowledgeable people. For instance, in the USA, many hospitals have surgeons aged 50 or above. Because old surgeons handle many cases more efficiently (the point is skillfulness and knowledge. Efficiency is a better representation of these qualities. Many cases, on the other hand, is related to energy which old surgeons lack.) compared to younger ones, this has resulted in a great success of these hospitals as compared to those of some Asian countries who which look for fresh graduates. Hence, rejecting old people can be disadvantageous for many companies, so it is important to make it illegal.

Secondly, not considering young girls while selecting employees has its own demerits. Some employers mistakenly/ wrongly believe that these young girls will soon start their families and, therefore, (put therefore within commas to create parallelism. …. girls 1. will ….. 2. will ……will need maternity leaves in near future, which can adversely affect the productivity because of decrease in the workforce. However, research has proved that fresh female graduates are more intelligent and multitasker more efficient in multitasking than the older ones (More intelligent is parallel to more efficient. If you use more only once, intelligent should be parallel to multitasker. But they are not parallel. One is an adjective and other is a noun.). For instance, in Pakistan, United Bank Limited does not discriminate on the basis of age. This has created many job opportunities for younger girls in this bank and it has become one of the successful banks of Pakistan because of talented young girls. (Where is the angle of illegality?)

In conclusion, I reiterate my opinion that it is absolutely illegal to disapprove job applications based on the criterion of age as it can peril derail (imperil) the success of a company (it can put the success of a company in peril)(the verb form of PERIL is called IMPERIL).

The arguments are well developed. You need to work on grammar (parallelism, verbs, tenses) and task response (body paragraph 2 – no mention of illegal/ legal.)

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