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IELTS Essay Correction: Older People Compete With Younger People For Same Jobs.

Nowadays, more and more older people who need employment compete with the younger people for the same jobs. What problems this causes? what are the solutions?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is true that competition is an important in this contemprory society. Experienced candidates are struggling to maintain their place in the employment market and the young generation on the other side is competing to find and establish a position in a job.

The introduction is not strong. Please read my article on INTRODUCTION to make it stronger. Ideally, you should MENTION the problems this causes.

On the one hand, undoubtedly, older people are far more experienced in their work. Therefore, any company requires their support to escalate increase (1) the productivity. Despite (do not use OF with despite) of the fact, mentioned above this, working for long hours older tend to be stressed out, also feel tired (Weird sentence structure – 2). As a result, it effects in delaying job related work it delays completion of work which facilitates with a negative environment on at workplace. (It is not clear what exactly do you want to communicate. Is their productivity high? If yes, will DELAY in reduce productivity? How does this create a negative environment? The argument is not well developed.) For example, in most of the employments, these older employees are not able to finish the assignments due to long sick leaves (This is not an example.). This results in losing contracts (How? You’re jumping to conclusions.)(This idea lacks a logical flow of arguments. The sentences are not naturally moving from one to another. This prevents clear communication.)

However, other side businesses (which businesses? What do you mean by the other side?) need to value their older employees by complementing them with early retirement benefits like by supporting with the house, medical, pension insurances. Hence, it proliferate increases (proliferate is related to expansion, not increase.) confidence and self- esteem among both age groups. (You’re supposed to mention the problems this causes. Not the benefits.)

1. ESCALATE is used in a negative sense. It refers to an increase in something bad. For instance, escalation of a conflict.

2. I’ve not understood the use of DESPITE. Despite is used when something happens even if measures are taken to prevent it. Despite repeated assurances from the company, people refused to purchase the product. I can’t see its use here. Rather, there is a direct relationship between productivity and stress. Therefore, a company needs their involvement to increase productivity and this results in the development of stress and anxiety in them.

On the other hand, in this globalization and high-tech world, youngsters are highly qualified for these jobs. (The point is not explained. What do you want to convey? They are qualified. So what?) Moreover, they need correct  right and quick guidance to enhance that qualification in knowledge (So? What’s the message? There is nothing called qualification in knowledge.). Furthermore, these youngsters are highly active in work related duties (Fine. So what?). In addition, this generation is attributing towards businesses with proficient strong, practical and fresh ideas in this competitive world (So what? What do you want to communicate.). For instance, Google and Facebook hire most advanced youngsters which helps them in increasing the standards and establishing strongly in the highly advanced world.

You were supposed to write the above paragraph about SOLUTIONS to the PROBLEMS written in the body paragraph 1. However, you’ve written “why youngsters should be hired”. To make matters worse, you’ve not mentioned anywhere that your intention is to write about why youngsters need to be hired. The theme of this paragraph is not clear.

In conclusion, people need to develop with the high pace of life, youngsters need an efficient opportunities and older need insurance after retirement.

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1 reply »

  1. Nowadays, more and more older people who need employment compete with the younger people for the same jobs. What problems this causes? what are the solutions?

    Nowadays, the competition between young and older people is coming very strong, this due to technology and too many factories that surrounding us. One of the solutions is the older people to allow them to retire without losing their standard of living.

    First, the technology is one of the main reasons why people do not have any job or losing their job. For instance, before, each person in the family had a job, after their get graduation or finish their high school. In this days the technology is replaying to many people, so for the company, this is kind of beneficial, because they do not need to pay ten people instead they can pay just two. But this is causing too many problems between young and older people, where young people have a problem to get a job, and older people they need to finance their family’s.

    Furthermore, the government must find a solution, where the older people should complementing them by supporting with early benefits like a house, medical, pension insurance, so they can have a more peaceful life, without stress or any worries. On the other side, the young people have more opportunities to find a job and to be highly qualified for these jobs. Moreover, the younger people have more time and are more active to work under pressure. Also to solve this the government should the organizing work by dividing them into the age group.

    Therefore, people need to develop with the high pace of life, and young people need opportunities and older need insurance after retirement.

    260 word

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