Blog

Lessons in Writing – INTRODUCTION – 2.

Read Lessons in Writing – INTRODUCTION – 1

This article is about the implementation of the principle taught in the previous chapter (link above) by various students. I’m presenting the question statement followed by the responses of various students and related comments.

Question 1: Many people believe that the use of new technology improves the lives of employees. Others think it is a disadvantage for them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Okay, the structure for this question’s introduction can be:

Sentence 1: General statement (a neutral side)

Sentence 2: View 1 – Mention reasons supporting view 1

Sentence 3: View 2 – Mention reasons supporting view 2

Sentence 4: Your view.

This is not the only structure. There can be numerous permutations and combinations. For instance, you can choose to avoid sentence 1. Directly begin with sentence 2. OR you can merge sentences 2 and 3 into a single sentence.

AB: Technological advancements have has undoubtedly improved employees lives at work (This sentence is supposed to be a general statement where you should not take any sides). There are pros and cons to every development (No need to write this. Directly jump to view 1). I think this has an advantage is advantageous such as it makes work easy and reduced reduces pressure. However, too much dependency reduces personal knowledge.

Technological advancements have altered the manner in which employees work. Some people think this is disadvantageous since this reduces the ability to think and act. I believe this has numerous benefits such as it makes work easy and reduces pressure.

ND: Cutting-edge technology has brought many changes to the lives of people (a neutral sentence). Some believe that it has increased job prospects, while others think it has replaced many workers and has led to unemployment. I agree with the aforementioned the former/ latter opinion. (there are two opinions mentioned above. Please specify with which opinion do you agree.)

AS: (You’ve chosen to avoid a general statement. That’s perfectly fine.) While some would people argue that the availability of modern technology has improved the lives of the workforce, others believe that this has negative effects. Although the use of new technology has certain disadvantages, (you’ve already mentioned NEGATIVE EFFECTS in the previous sentence. This is same as disadvantages and counts as repetition. see 1 below) I believe it has definitely improved the lives of the working people (You’ve already mentioned this in the first sentence. see 1 below) by decreasing the exertion.

1. Please note that you have (unintentionally) repeated several statements that you had written earlier. Structure your sentences in a manner that these repetitions are avoided. Let me rephrase your sentence below:

While some people argue that modern technology has improved the lives of workers by reducing physical exertion, others believe that this has negatively impacted the job prospects. (mention the reasons supporting a viewpoint with that viewpoint.) I accord with the former view.

DB: Although, some people believe that new technology has eased the lives of the employees by making the work more easier and faster. O , others think that it has negatively impacted the lives of workers in the form of manpower reduction and job cut by employers (, others think that it leads to job losses due to increase in productivity) (2). I agree with the former view.

Note that the right construction is Although X, Y. “Although some people believe ….., others think.” There is a comma, not a period. 

2. There are better ways to structure a sentence. Manpower reduction = job cuts.

SK: The present century has witnessed a lot of technological advancements in almost all industries (the general statement is neutral). While a segment of population opines that these advancements have given a helping hand in ameliorating ameliorate (3) the lives of workers by saving time and reducing workload, others think that these lead to loss of jobs of for workers who have obsolete skills set. I believe in the former view.

3. The use of “ameliorate” is not accurate. You have to use the right context. This word is used to refer to making a bad situation better. But you’ve not mentioned the BAD part. …. that these advancements have ameliorated the poor conditions of workers by reducing work timings and curtailing workload.

SM: Myriads of people have opined that this fast-paced technology has make made easier lives of workers easier (… technology allows workers to exert less physical energy) by facilitating of different gadgets for their use on daily bases as well now no one is far from anyone (4). However, there is another group of people who which criticises (we need a pronoun to refer to GROUP, not people.) the advancement of this technology because it has not only deprived them of their dear ones but also can cause a massive destruction on a huge level. (5) I believe that both schools of thoughts are right because there are pose pros and cons of it.

4. This is an introduction. You’re not supposed to EXPLAIN how workers lives are getting easier. Reserve this for the body paragraphs. Just mention here how it benefits workers. It will be better if you can write more specifically that easier. Easier does not convey the message clearly.

5. Loss of task response – The question concerns only to the lives of employees. It is not open to the general disadvantages of technology.

Rajoy: The advent of technology has made an alteration in the lifestyle of people (… has radically altered (collocation) the lifestyle of people.). Some people consider this is a disadvantage as it causes unemployment and poverty. I believe that it is beneficial in a way that since it reduces work burden and stress and save saves time. (maintain parallelism) (General statement, sentence 1 and sentence 2 are well constructed. There is a scope for improvement.)

Question 3. Some people think that children should start school sooner while others believe they should not start it before the age of seven. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

SM: Myriad people argue that earlier starting to going to a school of children has many advantages for children the earlier the children go to school, the more advantageous it is. However, there are some groups of individuals which criticise on this and claim that age seven is ideal to start school. I have the opinion that nethier too early nor the age of seven to start school is suitable for them, it should be in between. Better structure: Please main object (children) before neither nor construction. (… opinion that children/ they should start school neither too early nor at the age of seven. They should begin somewhere in between.)

SK: The A right direction and channel is are required in shaping the a bright future (collocation) of for children. While some people believe that the kids should start schooling at an elementary young age since they learn very fast in at this age, others think that they must learn social skills at home (If you do not write at home, the idea is incomplete since they can learn these skills in school as well.) first and then start before starting the school at the age of seven. I agree with the former view. (elementary specifically refers to early stages in learning a subject. It can not be used in relation to the age.)

Question: Some people argue that competitive sports are good for bringing together different people and cultures. Others argue that these sports can cause problems and increase conflicts between nations. Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.

DB: Sports have become a global activity from (during) the last few decades. Many people opine that sports helps they help (use a referencing device – they – to increase cohesion and avoid word repetition) in uniting the people of different community communities (different demands use of a plural noun) and cultures since fans travel across the border to support their team and interact with the people of hosting country, while others think that the spirit of competition further adds fuel to the existing rivalry. I accord with the former view.

For KP:

Question 1: Many people believe that the use of new technology improves the lives of employees. Others think it is a disadvantage for them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some of the people assume that modern technology improves (technology = singular; use s/es with the verb.) considerably employees work considerably (1) and it brought brings (2) many advanced features to the workers. I think this has many benefits such as many people can easily save the time without putting their efforts. On the flip side, this have has many drawbacks (on the flip side = this has many drawbacks) including a person could depend too much (on what?) and soon he will become lazy. (3) I agree with the former view.

1. Considerably is an adverb. It must be placed next to a verb. ‘Employees’ is a noun. Wrong placement will reduce your lexical resource score.

2. Use one tense only. If it IMPROVES (simple present tense) work, it must BRING the benefits in the present. The use of simple past tense is incorrect. Alternately, you can use Present Perfect Tense at both places – Some people assume that modern technology has improved ….. and it has brought ….

3. The use of MOST APPROPRIATE words can make the meaning of this sentence more clear. This is what IELTS people want. Plus, there is no need to write ‘drawbacks’. If you’ve mentioned advantages earlier and you use ‘on the flip side’, it is obvious that you’re writing the drawbacks. On the flip side, a person who over-relies on technology may become lazy.

Question 2: Some people say that a sport is very important for a nation’s development, while others believe that the sport is no more than a leisure time activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Arguably, the games are play an essential part in the a country growth (Games are an important part of a society.). This has many advantages including a person could become physically fit and healthy.(Let us refer to games using pronoun they.) They are crucial to make a person physically fit and healthy. However, there are disadvantages also existing such as severe injuries and loss of focus (1) mostly students might not focus on studies. I agree with former opinion.

1. Loss of parallelism: such as A and B. The first words of A and B should belong to the same family. Here, the first word of A is severe and that of B is mostly. The former is an adjective and the latter is an adverb. This violated the rule. They should both be adjectives or adverbs or nouns, etc. I’ve changed them to injuries (noun) and loss (noun). Please read my article on Rules of Parallelism.

Question 3: Some people think that children should start school sooner while others believe they should not start it before the age of seven. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays children are joining schools at a very young age. If a student starts his education at an early age, there are (do not repeat. Use a cohesive device – thisThis has several advantages exists for instance such as the pupil they can imbibe things quickly quicker than the elder ones. Nevertheless, the children should not educate (are children educating someone else? Moreover, education can be imparted both at home and school. Let us stick to school. Nevertheless, the children should not join school before ……) before turning seven years old as he they (use a plural pronoun to refer back to a plural noun) may miss the fun in childhood with his their neighbors and friends. I strongly agree with the formal opinion which will be explained below(Do not write this. It is obvious that the opinion will be explained in the body paragraphs.)

Question 4: Some people argue that competitive sports are good for bringing together different people and cultures. Others argue that these sports can cause problems and increase conflicts between nations. Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.

Healthy competition (use either competition or games.) games are always brought (1) brings different nations together irrespective of the race, religion, and country (nations = country.). A good sport rivalry has many advantages which include (2) cultural exchanges and linguistic diversity they mutually would exchange their culture, language and other aspects. Despite numerous benefits, this creates several issues such as conflicts and violence arise between the neighbouring countries. I opine with the former view.

1. Use either active voice or passive voice. Placing subject at the head of a sentence means that the sentence is active. However, ‘are brought’ is passive. Wrong sentence structure will reduce the Grammatical Resource score.

2. INCLUDE: It is used to give examples of something. Do not write complete sentences. 

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

3 replies »

  1. The advent of technology has made alteration in the life style of people.Some people consider this is disadvantage as it causes unemployment and poverty .I believe that it is beneficial in a way that reduce work burden and stress and save time

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.