Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Reading Entertainment Books Vs Educational Books.

Some parents believe that children should not waste time by reading entertainment books but instead, they should spend the time to read educational books only. What is your opinion about this?

Answer:

Reading is an important activity among children to develop their mental ability, which will have which plays (1) a significant role in building their future career (career includes the element of FUTURE. Wrong to use them together.). Some parents may (MAY suggests a possibility. There is a possibility that parents argue….) argue that reading books just for fun is an absurd activity and the kids should concentrate just on their academic reading only. However, I am against this opinion as reading entertainment books will bring brings (maintain present tense) about great benefits, some of which will be are beneficial for their later life careers.

1. Please note that to build continuity, it is important to maintain the same tense. Since you’ve used the present tense earlier (reading is an), you should keep using the present tense in this sentence. There is another way to structure this sentence. You’ve linked reading to mental development and mental development to career. Let me link both mental development and career to reading.: Reading is an important activity which plays a significant role in children’s mental development and their career.

To begin with, reading books as leisure activity enhances child’s children’s imagination and creativity. These two basic skills play a vital role in children their (2) development, contributing to their future professional life, consequently. Novels, for instance, which have many characters and situations in it (3), can elevate the kid’s visual imagination and through this he begins to realize the same personalities in various circumstances with great details in his mind, leading to improvement of his creativity as a result (this is too complex. Need not explain what the kids imagine or realize.  The sentence is so long and complex that the idea is not communicated properly. Let us make it short. … kid’s imagination. This gives rise to an ability to think, analyze and imagine various situations and builds creativity.). Nowadays, we have many jobs that require creativity as a prominent feature for thriving in, (4) such as engineering occupations (Hold your horses! The sentence is too long and complex.) which are not just simply doing repetitive works and you should have creativity to solve some problems which may occur along the work (Let us put this idea in a separate sentence. See point 4 below.) , apart from many professions comprised of technology and art so that creativity is inherent in those one : architecture and graphic design, to mention some.

2. I’ve deliberately changed child’s to children’s. Use THEIR to refer back to children. The use of pronouns as referencing devices increases cohesion in your answer.

3. There is no need to use a pronoun here. Moreover, IT is a singular pronoun and it can refer to a singular noun (subject) only. Your subject is NOVELS – a pronoun.

4. Wrong placement of SUCH AS. It is used to exemplify the noun to which it is attached. While you intend to give examples of JOBS, you’ve placed it incorrectly with thrive. Correct sentence structure is: Moreover, nowadays, we have many jobs such as engineering that require creativity as a prominent feature. These tasks do not involve repetitive work but critical thinking to solve problems as the work progresses.

Before I point out a few issues regarding improvement in task response, I suggest you to work on reducing the complexity of your sentences. Your message is lost in such lengthy sentences. Since you’re not giving a proper break in sentences, the examiner will consider this as a punctuation mistake.

Moreover, the professions in these times are more multi-dimensional, thereby focusing merely on lessons and educational books is irrational. Many parents expect their children to spend their times studying academic books instead of squandering it on other amusement books. (Your idea is that focusing on educational books is irrational. Please explain why it is irrational. Do not explain what parents think. You’re supposed to explain your opinion.) They believe that focused kids are more likely to achieve great academic results, thereby securing admission to higher-tier schools and, consequently, better employment opportunities (You should directly answer why it is irrational.). Yet, modern workplace demands general information as well, which may be acquired from non-educational books, therefore (The idea is over. Begin a new sentence). Therefore, one-dimensional focused children would miss their chances to attain a job.

Paragraph restructuring: Moreover, the professions in these times are more multi-dimensional, thereby focusing merely on lessons and educational books are irrational. Engineers, for instance, have to communicate with the clients as well as vendors. Similarly, doctors have to communicate with the management and patients. This demands strong personality and inter-personnel skills which are not possible by studying academic books (EXPLAIN how it is irrational). A student needs to read a diversity of material such as magazines, journals, and books that narrate the experiences of others (= entertainment books).

In conclusion, I believe that entertainment books as well as educational books have their own merits and children could gain a wealth of benefits from them. Thus, parents should not force their kids to read their academic books, (no comma here) solely.

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