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IELTS Essay Correction: The Proportion of Older People is Steadily Increasing – 1.

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The number of old age people are is increasing these days all over the world. The credit goes to medical sciences due to which life expectancy has increased (1). While some people think that a gradual rise in the old aged community is giving rise to difficulties, I think elder people are an important part of the society. (Since you’re expressing two contrasting statements in the same sentence, better use a connecting device for contrast. Use: While X, Y.) (2)

1. Closely stick to the task. You’re not supposed the discuss the reasons for the increasing number of elderly people. Don’t mention it. Moreover, only one general (opening) statement is sufficient for an essay and you’ve made it.

2. If you can MENTION the reasons (that you plan to elaborate in the body paragraphs), that will be a better introduction.

Due to increased medical support and medicines the average age group has been raised to above 60 years. (This is a sentence for the introduction. You’ve made this abundantly clear in the introduction. Directly jump to the reasons.) Many people think this as a curse for the society. (You’ve mentioned this is the second sentence of the introduction.)

They feel that I strongly believe in the view that (express your support for the view in the body paragraph.) the older people increase the financial burden of the community as they are dependent for their livelihood on their children. (How exactly are they dependent? How is this a NEGATIVE thing? Weak task response. Please elaborate. You should not leave any idea unexplained. – 3) In addition to this, people feel burdened to take care of the health requirements of the elderly (How are they burdened? – 4) and feels that due to the decreased need for enjoyments older people contributes to stress and negativity.

3. On one hand, the older people increase the financial burden of the community as they are dependent for their livelihood on their children. They need support in cooking and eating food, washing clothes, walking, and answering the nature’s call (How are they dependent?). This consumes ample time and money of youngsters and reduces the economic output of a society (How is this a negative development?).

4. Moreover, people feel burdened to take care of the health requirements of the elderly. They are regularly prone to various diseases and treating these ailments consumes significant resources. Youngsters sometimes spend their entire earnings on treating the elderly. Also, governments spend a lot of money on treating the elderly people free of cost. This money can be better utilized for the future generations through investments in infrastructure and education.

On the other hand, there are many research evidences that suggest the need of grandparents in the a family to raise young ones. It has been proved that those children who spend more time with their grandparents are more compassionate and caring towards others and gradually become better citizens. They help in developing a loving atmosphere at home which today’s parents lack in due to increased work-related stress. (This idea is well developed. The reader can clearly see how they are beneficial for the family.)

To conclude I strongly feel that old age people should be treated with enough respect by youngsters since they serve a constructive role in the society (Task response – stick to the question). To deal with the problems related to old age, government should have strong policies and allocate adequate financial resources. to support this age group (to support this age group = to deal with the problems related to old age. Repetition.).

Total Words = 241. Never write less than the minimum limit of 250 words.

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