Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Staff Who Worked for a Long Time Should be Promoted – 1.

Some people think that only staff who worked in the company for a long time should be promoted to higher positions. What is your opinion on this? Give reasons and relevant examples for your answer.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Reaching to a higher post in every an occupation is an important stage in each every person’s career life. (1) Some people argue that this promotion is a matter of loyalty and how long an employee has been in company. However, I am against this opinion and (HOWEVER includes the element of CONTRAST. It means that you’re going to write something that contrasts with the previous statement.) believe that the competency of a worker is the most prominent factor for achieving to a higher position. (Correct construction = Achieve + Object. There is no need of a preposition ‘to’.)

1. A person can’t get promotion in EVERY job. But she can get promotion in A job (AN occupation).

Despite a few grammar mistakes, the structure of the introduction is good. You’ve written three sentences and clearly expressed your opinion.

If a company wants to attain more revenue and (success is a not as specific and clear as profits.) being succeed increase profits in this increasingly competitive business world, it will appoint its staff on the basis of their proficiency and competency. (Now explain why competency is more important than position?) The efficiency and productivity of a firm ensue from many things, some of which are the positions of employees (So, you mean position is important? This paragraph is about why COMPETENCY is important. Stick to it.). In fact, if veterans, who may not have an adequate competency, (if veterans with lack of competency) are the only ones who reach to higher positions such as management roles, the capability of the organization would probably degrade because of an improper level of management. (Well said and explained why promoting veterans should not be a priority. Now close the argument by focusing on the theme – competency). Thus, a company should focus on most productive employees even if they are new to the company.

You’ve done a good job in developing the argument above. However, this can be done better by following the structure given below. The numbers (1, 2, 3) refer to the sentences.

  1. IDEA statement about why competency is important for a company.
  2. EXPLANATION what will happen if competency is not given value (or veterans are given value). This will show that competency is in fact important.
  3. CLOSE the argument using competency.

Also, this approach possibly leads to demotivating other employees, (no comma here) who may not be long-serving but accomplished in their profession. The A capable worker (An efficient worker) needs the enthusiasm to carry out his tasks and one of most significant inspirations to in his work is a promotion. No wonder that, if he could can not observe light better prospect for promotion ahead, he would will become demotivated and will (2) not be eager to perform his duties in an efficient (productive) (energetic) genuine way. Hence, it is not out of vision that business come to failure in This will negatively impact the business’s long-term prospects.

2. COULD and WOULD act as past forms of CAN and WILL here. They are not referring to the possibility (could) and future (would). Now, here is a parallelism mistake. If the person is not promoted, two things will happen. He – 1. will become demotivated, 2. will not be eager …. Parallelism means that in certain constructions (such as AND, as well as, such as, either or) the first words of all elements should belong to the same family. If you miss the second will, the first word is NOT. NOT and WILL (the first will) do not belong to the same family. NOT is an adverb. WILL is a verb. To learn more, read my article on “Rules of parallelism“.

To summarise, I would reaffirm my opinion that the most prominent element, contributing to achieve higher rank in a profession, is, indeed, competency and proficiency, not long-serving or loyalty.

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s