Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: New Technology is Improving the Lives of Workers – 5.

Some people think that new technologies benefit the life of workers whereas some deny the statement. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Technology is getting increasingly involved in industry, commerce, and business and in every profession, as a result (use anyone. Every profession OR industry, commerce and business.). In this trend, many believe that this collaboration (this trend and this collaboration refer to the same idea. Let us use only one.) of technologies and human force may result in advantages to the life of workers; however, some people do not agree with them. In this essay, I will consider the merits and drawbacks of participating in new technologies in employees life.

Sentence 1 – a general statement on the topic – is fine. Sentence 2 can be better structured using a WHILE construction and MENTIONING the reasons supporting each view. Sentence 3 is not recommended. The examiner knows what you will do since this is clearly asked in the question statement (Discuss both sides and give your views). You should not repeat the question statement. Rather, this is a place to STATE YOUR OPINION.

Sentence 2: While some people believe that this collaboration between technologies and humans will allow workers to save time for their families (= advantage), others think this will lead to joblessness (= disadvantage).

Sentence 3: I agree/ accord with the former/ latter view.

There are some concerns among workers that new technologies are going to ultimately replace their position in work, ultimately. (ultimately is an adverb and its rightful place is next to a verb – replace) Novel technologies are capable of executing various tasks in an accurate manner/ way approach, thereby it is right to some extent that they can work instead of a few employees, contributing to less workforces (1). By being out of work and less job opportunity the lives of workers deteriorate in many aspects  This deteriorates the lives of workers as well as their family members. To comprehend, realise an unemployed person suffering from numerous economical and mental problems.

1. Strange sentence structure: who is contributing to less workforce? This refers to the subject – novel technologies. But a technology cannot ‘contribute’ workforce. That’s a wrong word. Make a comparison between technology and humans. It will be better if you can make the argument more specific by NAMING a few technologies. Novel technologies such as the Internet and robots are capable of working more productively/ accurately than humans and, therefore, (within commas) put workers out of jobs. (more X than Y)

It will be better if you can EXPLAIN a bit about HOW EXACTLY technology leads to job losses before reaching the conclusion that this deteriorates the lives of workersFor example, global automobile giants such as Tesla are developing autonomous cars that will put millions of drivers out of jobs in the next decade.

Please note the paragraph structure you should follow. Sentence 1 (IDEA), Sentence 2 (EXPLANATION of IDEA), Sentence 3 (further EXPLANATION if the idea really needs it), Sentence 4 (Conclusion of the idea).

Conversely, the advent of new technologies has brought about many benefits to the career of workers. Firstly, it facilitates a great deal of tasks for workers. (What has decreased the paperwork? Name a technology. This will build a proper context) Paperwork, for instance, in an office has decreased in amount substantially and (who has sped this up? Your sentence means – Paperwork has sped up dramatically. This is opposite of what you want to communicate.) sped up (sped up what?) the work dramatically (The sentence is incomplete without proper context – computers, work. Computers, for instance, have substantially reduced the paperwork in offices and have sped up the workComputer is linked to both substantially reduced and sped up.). (2) Therefore, the staff can simply carry out these kinds of monotonous and repetitious works by with the assistance of computers and the utilization of cyberspace. Secondly, new technologies can improve the quality of their life by promoting their business by through/ using various communication tools. Nowadays, a growing number of people work out of their office, probably in their houses, so that (3) it leads to several conveniences for workers such as less commutes, more time to work, more comforts, and more balanced life in whole.

2. You’ve jumped to a conclusion. Computers have reduced paperwork. How? Explain in the next sentence. OR include this in the previous sentence. Computers, through the use of email and word files, have substantially reduced the paperwork ……..

3. So that refers to the purpose. I work hard so that I can earn money. Similarly, in your sentence, people work from their home so that ….. Nowadays, a growing number of people prefer working from their home so that (purpose) they can spend more time on work than on commuting and can maintain work-life balance. (Note parallelism – can spend, can maintain.)

In conclusion, the emergence of modern technologies has brought in both advantages and disadvantages to workmen’s livings. However, I am more inclined to be in favor of this phenomenon as it has improved ameliorated (4) the standard of working and living to a great extent.

4. Ameliorate is used to refer to an improvement in something negative. Improve is used to refer to something positive. …. this phenomenon as it has ameliorated the poor working conditions of workers.

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.