Some people think that employers should give staff at least four weeks holiday per year to improve their job performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Please read the sample answer HERE.
It is argued that to increase (enhance) the performance of employees,
the a company should grant at least 4 weeks of holidays in a year. I totally agree with this view since it helps in breaking the monotony of work and it allows them to spend time with the family.
The main reason is that continuous work sometimes drains the mental and physical energy of an employee to a point that he is unable to perform his role effectively, which adversely affects the growth of a company. When
they (wrong pronoun. Your subject in the previous sentence is an employee) take time off from work for a vacation, it helps them to rejuvenate their mind. This increases not only the focus after a break (This already refers to the break) but also the overall job performance which, consequently, increases (improves, enhances) a company’s profits. For example, a recent study conducted on workers revealed that their job performance increases almost by 200% if they are allowed to go for a long holiday once per year. (Well done! The arguments are well developed in a logical manner with proper cohesion through connecting and referencing devices. Grammar is also fine. Sentences are properly structured.)
This (1) enables the employees to give more time to their family. Spending quality time at home results in developing better relationships with family members and eliminates any chance of misunderstanding with them. This often leads to better performance at work since they are under no tension regarding family. Thus, maintaining a fine balance between work life and family life is important for any individual to do better at a job. (I can’t see any mention of a month-long holiday. Task response is weak.) For example, a recent study concluded that in 2017 alone, 80% of the people who lost their job
is was (the study relates to past – 2017) due to the fact that they were unable to perform well because of family issues such as divorce cases and property disputes among family member. (Will a month-long holiday solve these issues? – 2)
1. This does not clearly refer to the vacation. Moreover, you need to create a proper context as done in the opening sentence of the body paragraph 1. Note that you began with the problems of continuously working. Do the same here. This will also allow you to build cohesion. Secondly, (cohesion) these days employees have to work hard for a long duration of time every day. This weakens the bond of love among family members and the workers feel distressed which reduces their job performance. (Develop on the lines of body paragraph 1) Consequently, they need a long break so that at least a month can be spent with the family (context) without any work pressure and professional worries. This helps in ……..
Why do you need to mention the problem first before coming to the question statement (vacation)? Because this essay’s statement is a solution to a problem. Unless you explain the problem, the solution is meaningless.
2. Build an example with proper context: For example, a recent study revealed that in 2017, more than 50 percent factory workers in India faced one or more problems in the family that they attributed to lack of time spent with the family. They believe that these problems can be solved if they are allowed paid-holidays of more than a fortnight every year.
In conclusion, holidays are must in order to increase the performance of the staff because it (Wrong pronoun. Need a plural pronoun to refer to a plural subject – holidays.) helps them to refresh their mind and strike a right balance between professional and family life.
Though the essay scores well in grammar, lexical resources, and cohesion, the second body paragraph is weak on task response.
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