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IELTS Essay Correction: Old Age vs Youth – 2.

In some cultures old age is more valued while in others youth is more valued. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Please read the SAMPLE ANSWER as well.

It is often argued by some (1)Some societies believe that the elderly are considered to be more valuable than the youngsters in certain societies, (wrong punctuation – no comma here) because they are thought to be (once you’ve used considered or believed, there is no need of using thought here.) a source of guidance in difficult times, whereas others (other societies/ cultures) believe that the youth are considered to be (believe = consider to be) more valuable than them, since they are thought of as being (overuse of believe, consider, thought) more energetic. I agree with the former view.

1. Why do “some argue that”? There is no argument here.

Some societies believe that the elderly are more valuable than the youngsters because …. OR The elderly are considered to be more valuable than youngsters in certain societies because ……

On the one hand, some people, including me, think that in certain societies, people consider elders more valuable than the youngsters because they can guide people to solve their problems. (2) They not only possess extensive experience in dealing with the highs and lows of their life but also have experience in handling the similar (similar to whom?) (3) type of challenges, which results in offering solutions to their issues (A lot of confusion in they and their. I’m sure you can catch them after reading point number 2) (3). For example, in certain Middle Eastern countries, (wrong punctuation – no comma before such as) such as Oman, Qatar, Kuwait, people usually request them to intervene and offer advice in case of disputes related to the property. This results in solving their issues in the most effective way. (4)

2. One pronoun group can refer to one noun only. They and their belong to the same family. They can refer to one noun only. While the former refers to the elderly, the latter refers to youngsters. Let me restructure the sentence without changing the meaning and avoiding the use of ‘certain societies consider’ (remember, you’ve already used this in the introduction. Try to use this as little as possible. Fortunately, there is a convenient way – referencing using article THE.)

I strongly agree with the view (= refers back to view 1) that the elders have rich experience and can impart it to the youngsters (= guidance)

3. Let us break the sentence into two new sentences. The first is to express their experience. The latter is to mention how this experience helps. They not only possess extensive experience in dealing with high and lows of life but also have experience in handling the same problems that youngsters encounter. This enables them to offer meaningful advice to the youth.

4. This sentence can be used to express ideas in a more specific and better way: This results in solving their issues in an amicable way without resorting to the lengthy court procedures.

You’ve made good efforts in developing ideas. However, these need to be developed more clearly and specifically (point 3 and 4)

On the other hand, in some cultures, the youth are highly valued since they are considered to be more energetic than the elderly. Their energy is channelized in achieving new landmarks, resulting in taking new challenges and achieving accomplishing new feats (Resulting in is weird. It seems as if it means ‘achieving new landmarks’ results in ‘taking new challenges’.) (5). For instance, in certain countries such as India, and Bangladesh, they are considered to be a valuable asset in many industries such as IT, Telecom as they possess the most advanced technical know-how, which the old may lack because of their lack of exposure to these industries them. (pronoun mistake.) (6)

5. The explanation and example should match. Your explanation is not about technical know-how. It is about achievement. Their energy is constructively channelized in learning the latest technologies which are useful in modern businesses. For example, the average age of a Google employee in India is 30 years since youngsters are more capable of learning computer languages than the older people.

6. It seems as if one point is insufficient to adequately build this argument. Your explanation is too small and you will fall short of words. Let me propose another benefit of ENERGY. Similarly, they use their energy by working for longer hours that the older people can not. The latter often get tired of work and have to take rest frequently while the former can work the whole day without any break.

You’ve made an attempt in developing ideas. However, it is inadequate. Please see point 5. Make arguments for a view stronger by developing more ideas (point 6).

In conclusion, while some think that in certain cultures, (wrong punctuation) youth are more valued than elderly because they are more energetic, I think that elderly are more valued than them, (wrong punctuation) since they are instrumental in guiding people in addressing their issues.

You’ve made numerous mistakes in using the comma.

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