Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Teachers Have A Bigger Influence On Children Than Parents – 2.

When children start school, teachers have a bigger influence on their academic and social development as compared to their parents. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the Sample Answer as well.

Answer:

Well written. I’ve used the GREEN words to highlight various strengths of this essay for your as well as other students’ benefit.

Children, promises of the tomorrow (modifier), are greatly influenced (collocation) by their parents as well as by the teachers. It is often believed (collocation) that after joining schools, the educational and social development of the children largely depend (collocation) on the educators rather than their parents. (Perfect use of pronoun their to refer to children only. No pronoun mistake.) I completely agree with this view since (cohesion) children spend most of their time in schools with teachers and learn social skills along with the academic knowledge.

Clearly stated opinion. Perfect grammar. Good sentence structure.

Although (cohesion), it is an undeniable fact (collocation) that children gain numerous values (collocation) from their parents during childhood period, (childhood is a period) on the commencement of their school education they put their faith on their mentors for learning. (Clear IDEA sentence.) This (cohesion – referencing) is because children spend a significant amount of time (collocation) in school environment where they interact with tutors. During this time (cohesion), teachers not only (cohesion) impart subject related education but also inculcate other values like cooperation, coordination and team work (Specific explanation of idea). By learning these values (cohesion), students become able to interact with the outer world. For instance, educators generally make (collocation) peer groups for various activities (collocation) such as debates, dance competitions, puzzles so that (cohesion) students can learn social interaction in addition to their studies. (IDEA adequately explained.)

The arguments are beautifully developed. Please note that examples can be sprinkled like icing on the cake using only a few (common) nouns – dance, music, plays, etc. This will make your response specific.

Moreover (cohesion), in accordance to the current scenario, in most of the families, both parents are working and they (referencing) hardly spare sufficient time (collocation) for their children. Therefore (cohesion), children usually rely on their mentors teachers for learning and discussion of their problems (1) (Which learnings? Which problems?). Another fact worthy of consideration is that the increased trend (collocation) of nuclear families and with single child does not allow children to acquire social skills at home as there is no sibling or grandparents available to interact with. Thus (cohesion), social growth of children is possible only in schools where teachers teach them to coordinate with other pupils.

1. Violates parallelism – learning and discussion are not parallel. Moreover, your sentence means – mentors for learning (of their problems) and discussion of their problems. Let us restructure it: … mentors for learning valuable lessons and discussing their problems. They can learn important lessons from history, gain an understanding of nature in geography and learn about human body in biology.

You’ve raised two points in the paragraph above. While the latter has been sufficiently developed, the former is not. Please explain it adequately.

To conclude, while parents have a great influence on children’s life, in these days children usually  acquire skills related to education and social interaction from their mentors as they spend a great deal of time with them.

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