Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Consequences Of Improved Medical care.

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that the people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Answer:

With the development of the medication and health care, people are more likely to live longer than before. I tend to believe that the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages.

Generally, living longer means that people could have more time to spend on what they like. Firstly, people might choose to learn more skills than before. (The idea statement can be improved and it can be elaborated before you write an example.) (Firstly, this (refer back to ‘living longer’ – promotes cohesion) will allow people to pursue their hobbies. Most of our time is spent in earning a livelihood and we rarely get time for ourselves.) For example, if I have more time, I am probably going to try to learn how to play piano or violin, which I do not have time to learn. (This point needs to be framed in a more clear manner. If I have more time is not the same as If I have a greater life expectancy. It means, perhaps, you are too busy in other pursuits and rarely find time for hobbies. This is exactly what you’ve conveyed through which I do not have time to learn.) For example, if I have a life expectancy of more than a hundred years, I will probably spend the next 20 years mastering a musical instrument such as a piano. Secondly, scientists might have more time to do their research for a better world. Imagine if Einstein, Newton and all the brilliant scientists could live longer, they may might have achieved more science accomplishments (Can’t achieve accomplishment. They mean the same – except that one is a verb and another is a noun.) (they might have contributed more to the development of science)Thirdly, longer life expectancy means we have more time to spend with our family and friends, whom many people always regret that they should have spent more time with.

On the other hand, longer life probably means that government needs to spend more money on caring for old people caring instead of education or other equally important areas. This could increase the financial pressure on the government. (HOW? Please explain and establish a clear link between the previous sentence and this sentence. The explanation is inadequate and vague. – 1) Besides, living longer is likely to increase the global population, and also cause more pollution to the environment. (HOW? Please develop an argument properly. You may choose to mention fewer points. But, whichever point you raise, explain it completely.) The longer a human lives, the greater is his ecological footprint. All activities ranging from preparation of food to manufacturing of clothes cause serious environmental pollution. However, I believe the side effects of living longer are very likely to be coped with the advanced technologies which are going to be invented by the scientist who could live longer.

1. On the other hand, a longer life probably means that government needs to spend more money on caring for old people instead of education or other equally important areas. This may have adverse consequences on the future of a country since the money is invested on people who do not contribute to economic development. If these funds are invested in education and skill development of the youth, the country will have a brighter future.

To sum up, there are some downsides of living longer, however, the advantages generally overweigh them. And some of the disadvantages of longer life could be dealt with the benefit that living longer brings.

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