Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Medical Surveys Of Treatments To Reduce Health Problems – 1.

Nowadays there are many medical surveys of treatments to reduce health problems. Who should conduct them, governments, individuals or private companies, in your opinion?

Please read the SAMPLE ANSWER (listen to the audio recording as well).

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

At present, there have been a considerable number of medical researches surveys (research is not the same as a survey. Wrong word choice.) on treatments to decrease people’s health concerns and it has been is being argued whether who should be conducting them (… argued whether government or private companies or individuals should conduct them.). In my opinion, it should be the medically inclined individuals who must be initiating conduct/ execute/ run (initiate is not the same as conduct) these surveys as they are the people who (redundant – no need to write. Not writing a redundant part does not impact the meaning of your sentence.) are more knowledgeable and have direct contact with people who are suffering from specific health problems.

One reason that would justify why these medically related individuals (it seems as if individuals are related to each other. Wrong sense.) related to the medical profession (medically trained individuals) are the right people to implement surveys as is that (One reasons …… is that ……) they are basically more knowledgeable on the specific area of concern. These nurses, doctors, public health workers, and other health professionals are the people who spent spend (Simple Present Tense. Can you guess why?) years in the academic and actual practical settings taking care and providing health services to individuals who have problems pertaining to health. With this, it gives them more ideas of which aspects of health needs more focus and enhancements (You’ve sufficiently explained their expertise. It is time to return to task response – SURVEYS. How does this help them in conducting surveys?) This allows them to ask the most relevant questions during the surveys and collect the right type of data related to diseases and treatments.

For example, people infected with HIV are increasing in trend number and we still cannot find a cure for it, this encourages doctors to initiate medical surveys to find cures for such a fatal condition. (The example fails to carry the message in the body paragraph. Why only doctors? For example, despite launching numerous programs, the British government has failed to reduce the number of cases of HIV during the past few years. Now, doctors are using their expertise to conduct medical surveys to reach at the right source of the problem and to find the most crucial time to start medication to contain this disease.)

Furthermore, another reason that supports why it should be the medically inclined individuals and not the government nor or the private companies should conduct surveys is that these individuals have direct contact with the people involved. (You need not always write – One reason, another reason. You can directly jump to the reason. Try UNLIKE to express that one can do this and the other can not. Unlike government and private companies, medically trained individuals have direct contact with the people who undergo a treatment.) People with (Health is always medical) medical serious health conditions often seek professional care thus and this gives them (Oops! Them refers to people with serious medical conditions. Not medically trained professionals.) an opportunity to conduct surveys and even verify research outcomes.

You’ve not explained the idea sentence. Please explain how does the direct contact with patients help medically trained professionals? Unlike government and private companies, medically trained individuals have direct contact with the people who undergo a treatment. While the governments and companies spend significant resources to reach these patients and can never gain their trust, medical professionals can do this at a negligible cost while maintaining patient trust and confidentiality.

Moreover, it is easier to get appropriate samples when a person is directly in contact with the subjects. For instance, if a doctor wants to compare how many of his cancer patients recovered fully and experienced better outcomes with chemotherapy only with those who have undergone various regimens such as radiation and surgery can , he can easily and immediately acquire data for surveys from patients who have undergone the treatment at his hospital(Sentence structuring issue.)

In conclusion, it is indeed more suitable if it is the individuals who have knowledge of the field and have direct connections with people who have health problems will conduct the surveys.

Needs improvements on various counts – Sentence structuring, explanation of ideas, examples, lexical resources, pronouns.

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