Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Medical Surveys Of Treatments To Reduce Health Problems – 2.

Nowadays there are many medical surveys of treatments to reduce health problems. Who should conduct them, governments, individuals or private companies, in your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the SAMPLE ANSWER (listen to the audio recording as well).

Answer:

A medical survey helps (Medical surveys help) in finding the best treatments for humans. It is argued that (Nobody is arguing this. The question statement wants you to assume that these surveys ARE conducted. The argument is over WHO should conduct them.) in today’s time various medical surveys (Use a referencing device instead of repeating the noun.) are conducted in relation to treat to decrease health issues (Badly structured sentence. Moreover, this is the same as the first sentence.). I believe that the government is best placed to conduct these surveys than individuals and private companies (1) since it is their (A plural pronoun can’t refer back to a singular noun – government) moral obligation and they (plural pronoun – singular noun mistake) have funds to do so.

1. Incorrect construction – best X than Y. Correct construction is better X than Y; X better than Y. …. the government is better placed to conduct these surveys than individuals and companies are since …..

Note that in the above sentence, you can’t compare better placement of government with individuals and companies. You can compare better placement of government with better placement of individuals and companies. This necessitates the use of are.

Numerous silly but serious mistakes in the introduction. Write carefully and revise before submitting in the exam.

The reason that medical survey (medical surveys) should be conducted by the government is that it is there its (wrong pronoun) moral responsibility towards its citizen. In other words, it the duty of the government to carry out activities and take measures that involve the welfare of its people. If the government will does (present tense) not initiate these surveys, doctors, and scientists will not be able to find what is best for humans who are suffering from diseases or medical issues such as brain cancer, diabetes, and other chronic heart diseases (2) (Nice way of mentioning examples.). Also, individuals and private companies are not abiding bound (incorrect word) by any law to perform welfare activities. For example, in Canada, it is enforced by the constitutional law that the survey for the welfare of people should be conducted by the government because it is their duty towards its citizens.  (This is not an example. You’ve just copied the idea and used the name – Canada.)

2. The correct construction is: If …(present), then …..(future)

Another compelling reason is that the funds required to conduct these surveys are huge which can only be bear borne by the state. Unlike individuals or private bodies who (even the government needs funds, but it does not lack them.) need lack funds for these surveys, the government collects a huge amount of money in the form of taxes from people residing or working in its territory. With this money, the government can easily run these surveys for the betterment of research and development of medical sciences and this will, consequently, benefits the people and society as a whole. (well argued!) For example, it is estimated that India’s Gross Domestic Product (GDP) is was more than 3 trillion dollars during the last year decade, and it will only take only took (3) a fraction of this amount to run these surveys which is impossible for individuals and private companies (What is impossible? Spending a fraction or spending a lot of money? There is no mention of a lot of money. For example, the Indian government, which has a GDP of more than a trillion dollars, spent about a billion dollars on conducting medical surveys for understanding the incidence of diabetes, hypertension and heart attack. The individuals and companies cannot spend a proportionate amount of money.).

3. A lot of confusion. Last decade means you’re talking about past. But, your tenses (present and future) give conflicting signs. You’ve used all three tenses in the same sentence. Let me move eveything to the past tense.

In conclusion, the government is better placed than individual and private organisations to conduct surveys because it is there their (You’ve used their incorrectly as there thrice. Silly yet serious mistake.) obligation to ensure the safety of its (Their and its refer to the same noun – government. Two pronouns can’t refer to the same noun.) people and can provide monitory support without any difficulty.

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