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IELTS Essay Correction: Families Migrate Due To Employment.

Nowadays, many families migrate to other countries due to employment. Some people say it benefits the children of immigrants families. Other say it is more difficult for the children of these families. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Migration to other nations has become, these days, an increasingly increasing trend among seeking job seeking families. While some people argue that this is beneficial for their kids as they could profit from learning another language as well as another culture (well said), the others believe it has more difficulties for them since they would be exposed to culture shock and loss of identity (beautiful). Personally, I agree with the former viewpoint.

By living alongside another nation’s people, the children unconsciously learn their major language and culture. This can lead to the cognitive enhancement of them (it is implicit that children will have cognitive development. Moreover, them refers to another nation’s people.as well as the social development, (This can lead to = consequently) consequently. Psychological studies represent that the mental capacity of the bilingual kids is greater developed than that of (1) the kids who know merely their mother tongue. In addition, by being familiar with other cultures, they gain the opportunity to profoundly know the other‘s customs, attitudes, and ethics, leading to becoming a more understanding and sociable person. All these traits would help them build a more successful future, in general. (You’ve mentioned the idea clearly and explained both the elements of the idea – cognitive enhancement and social development – very clearly. An organised and specific response.)

1. that refers back to mental capacity. You can’t compare apples with oranges. Compare children with children and mental capacity of children with mental capacity (that) of children

On the other hand, since they possibly be in exposure are exposed to ethnical (no such word exists) ethnic contradictions, this would be a problematic experience for them, causing cause a culture shock and create an identity crisis (2). While a child is brought up with a set of moral values at home, he socialises with other children who have different moral values depending on the society. This cultural mismatch would likely lead to culture shock in them. (It will be wonderful if you can cite an example and make your response a bit more specific. For example, many children from Hindu families, which are vegetarian (this is a modifier – explained in point 2), suffer from a cultural shock when they visit their Christian and Muslim friends who eat chicken and meat.) Moreover, they would have dual cultural customs such as new year’s eves, rituals and some other traditional occasions in both home and society, which probably contributes to the loss of identity in children as they are unable to recognise which one is indeed for them. (3)

2. This is a clause and it needs a subject. What is causing a culture shock? Name it. A clause can be written without a subject only when it borrows the subject from the main sentence. In this case it must be placed next to the subject. This is called a modifier: My dad, working every day of his life, (borrows subject DAD from the main sentence) does not know what a holiday is. Please ask me if you need more clarity.

3. Please write more specifically. Let me explain: Moreover, they suffer from loss of identity due to conflicting customs such as new year. For example, not only are the Western calendar and the Muslim calendar different but also their celebration styles are different. Similarly, the prayer styles are different for Christians, Hindus, Muslims, and Jews. The children are unable to recognize their actual customs.

In conclusion, although migration to another country would have some troubles for children, I feel that its benefits outweigh drawbacks since problems are by no means insurmountable.

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