Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Give Staff Four Weeks Holiday Per Year – 3.

Some people think that employers should give staff at least four weeks holiday per year to improve their job performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the sample answer HERE.

Answer:

How to improve the job performance is the a debatable topic these days worldwide. There is an assumption that employers should give their employees time out (1) at least a month at least a month-long holiday annually in order to boost staffs’ their (2) job performance. This seems to be perfectly true since long holiday can give employees not only increase their family ties and energy but also reduce their stress. (No need to write employeesTheir already refers back to employees.)

1. Time-out is not the same as a holiday. This word usually refers to a break during a day’s work. I strongly advise not to change the CORE words of an essay. The keywords – employers, holiday, job performance. Writing them is not repetition. Writing inaccurate synonyms will lead to lexical resource mistakes.

2. Instead of using a synonym for a noun (however accurate it may be), it is better to use a pronoun. This promotes cohesion in the answer through referencing.

One of the logical reasons for giving employees a long holiday annually is that long hours of work is deprived deprives staffs them (referencing) of spending time to spend with their families (3). The holiday gives employees a great opportunity to strengthen their relationship with their families and friends, and results (The holiday – gives and resultsin stronger family ties and more love and passion which have positive effects on their work performance.

3. You can deprive a person of an object (time), not an action (spending). Plus, use simple present tense (deprives) since it was true yesterday, is true today and will be true in the future as well.

Moreover, working without having enough a long holiday brings about energy reduction which is detrimental for job performance. Having time out from work and engaging in desired activities are beneficial for regaining and boosting energy (4). The research showed that staffs coming back from one-month holiday were 35% more energetic than their colleagues back from two-week holiday. 

4. Let us make this more similar without changing your idea. This can be done simply by sprinkling a few nouns. A specific response fetches more bands. Spending a few days away from work to ski on the Rideau canal and enjoy sightseeing on the Niagra falls helps Canadians regain the energy lost during work. Surveys have proved that these activities reduce stress in employees and boost their productivity by 35 percent at least.

Furthermore, employees are stress out because of monotonous work environment and excessive workload (5). The leave of one-month holiday can give them time to stay away from the hectic environment and regain their strength to confront a stressful situation. The correct and powerful response to stress may help employees to be more beneficial for the company and increase job performance. (This idea is the same as the idea expressed in the previous paragraph. Merge them into one paragraph and write more on the first idea – spend time with family.)

5. Parallelism issue: X and Y construction – the first word of X and the first word of Y should be parallel. X = monotonous (adjective) work environment; Y = excessive (adjective) workload.

In conclusion, due to several positive effects of long holiday among employees, it seems to be (You’ve mentioned positive effects later in this sentence. No need to write the same thing twice at two different places.) it is of paramount importance for companies to provide a one-month holiday for all employees per year which is not only beneficial for companies’ performance but also enhances society satisfaction. In order to achieve this goal, it is government responsibility to pass a law for one-month holiday annually with enough benefits for every employee.  

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