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IELTS Essay Correction: Shopping Malls VS Small Local Shops.

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centers or malls to do their shopping.

Is this a positive or a negative development?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

By Due to the proliferation of big department stores, many find them more convenient (You can’t find something convenient because of its proliferation. There must be some other reason.) than small local stores due to a variety of goods and services they offer (This is the reason). (The proliferation of huge shopping malls has made shopping a very convenient experience for the people. Unlike local shops, they offer a variety of goods and services.) I consider this trend more negative since it would result in closing down of small businesses as well as creating inequality in society. (The reasons are clearly stated in a structured manner while respecting the rule of parallelism.)

First major negative consequence of this development is the slump in small businesses.  In every region of a city, there are numerous amount of (numerous = amount = number.) family-run stores which are heavily dependent on local residents. By Due to the increasing number of shopping malls, those (Are the residents increasing the shopping malls? – 1) the residents prefer to travel to them as they consist of all stores available in an area. Therefore, by due to diminishing the number of customers, (2) local stores are forced to shut down, leading to raise a rise in the rate of unemployment as well as a burden on the general economy. For instance, it can be seen in Iran that suffers from an excessive joblessness rate owing to a slump in small businesses. (Is this slump related to the proliferation of shopping malls? The example is weak in task response. For example, with the construction of the famous Central Mall in Tehran and the availability of international brands at attractive prices, the people of the city have abandoned local shops. This has added to the already high level of unemployment in the city.)

1. This is called a MODIFIER. A modifier gives information about the noun/ pronoun to which it is attached. John, who is six feet tall (information about John), studies in class 10. By increasing the number of shopping malls (information about the noun placed next – the government), the government is forcing the closure of local shops. Due to the increasing number of shopping malls, local residents prefer …… (By = somebody does something; Due to = reason why somebody does something.)

2. This is related to point 1. Are local stores diminishing their own customers? This is what the principle of modifiers and the use of BY suggests.

Furthermore, most of such large shopping complexes are in the possession of a few wealthy persons who are indeed from the minor proportion of the economic elites of a society. This trend causes the wealth merely distribute among to concentrate in the hands of a few people and, hence, feeling of inequality would expand the feeling of inequality increases (maintain simple present tense – causes, increaseswithin the society. This would results in several social issues such as social unrests, riots, assassinations, and even public revolutions. The revolution of Iran, for instance, ensued from the injustice feeling of the majority of people who felt that the wealth was accumulated in the pockets of the minority of aristocrats. (minority of aristocrats = a minority within aristocrats.) (I can’t see the role of shopping complexes in this example. Task response.) For instance, huge stores such as Walmart have resulted in erosion of social fabric in all countries ranging from China to Canada. The local residents who lost jobs resorted to violence and theft in these counteris.

In conclusion, while developing shopping malls could create some conveniences for citizens, it would have several drawbacks too. The slump in the economy due to shutting down of countless small businesses as well as an increase in social inequality owing to unequal wealth share-out are two substantial negative consequences of this trend.

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