Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: People Buying More Cars.

Developments in countries have resulted in people buying more cars and driving on their own. Do the advantages of this individual trend outweigh the disadvantages to the environment?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

With the improvements (which improvements? Technological?) in many countries, people nowadays tend to avail automobiles (1) as a means of transport. This essay will discuss why I believe that the disadvantages (of what? – 2) to the earth’s environment outweigh the benefits that it provides to people.

1. The word ‘automobiles’ includes all vehicles – cars, buses, bikes, train. Do not change the core words in an essay. This will compromise task response. Stick to the word CARS.

2. This is called a fragmented sentence. This is incomplete without a reference to CARS.

With massive technological advancements, people nowadays prefer to use personal vehicles (cars) instead of public transport. I believe this (referencing device) has more disadvantages than advantages.

On the one hand, automobiles (which automobiles? see 1 above) offer convenience and ease of transport for people. A recent poll in the USA found out that Americans (3) prefer driving their own cars than any other means of transport especially for those who are far from the city as it enables them to travel at their own pace of time. Another thing to consider advantage is that having (owning) an automobile a personal vehicle is also a means to conform with the status-quo a status symbol (status quo = maintain the present state of affairs. No change.). In the Philippines, for example, Filipinos prefer to have cars to leave the make an impression that they are well-off than others. Through this, some of them achieve a sense of fulfillment.

3. SENTENCE STRUCTURING: that “especially those who live far from cities” (not the city) modifies (gives additional information) Americans. It must be placed next to the noun it modifies and should be placed between two commas. A recent poll in the USA found that Americans, especially those who live far from cities, prefer driving their own vehicles ……

Please read my articles on Sentence Structure Discussion – 1 and Sentence Structure Discussion – 2. These will help you make the best use of modifiers.

On the other hand, (4) although there are some advantages from this, there can be potential numerous (potential = possible. The drawbacks exist. They’re not in the domain of probability.) drawbacks which affect the environment. Firstly, cars have been known to cause air pollution from carbon monoxide and sulphur emissions. To illustrate this, a recent study found out that the quality of the air has been quite unhealthy over the past years (this does not count as an illustration or example. There are no facts, data, names. For instance, the increasing number of cars have been held responsible for environmental disasters such as dense poisonous fogs, acid rain, crop damage in Beijing, New Delhi and London.). Consequently, people’s health tends to suffer (how?) the most and plants’ growth rate have been greatly affected especially that of fruit-bearing plants (same issue as highlighted in point number 3). Finally, the cases of wildlife deaths have also risen due to improvements on roadways for motorists. In Canada, for example, a total of 1500 to 2000 wildlife deaths have been recorded annually since 2010 (The use of have been necessitates mentioning the time when this started.) due to the fact that some animal species such as the moose’s and deer’s migratory patterns (Oh no! – 6) have been damaged.

4. Both although and on the other hand are used to express contrast. Please use only one.

5. Consequently, the people of these cities (refers back to Beijing, New Delhi and London) suffer from asthma, high blood pressure, and cancer, and growth rate of some plants, especially those that bear fruits (modifier – modifies PLANTS), is stunted.

6. Such as gives examples of the word it is placed next to. Here, it should give example of SPECIES. However, you’ve mentioned moose’s migratory patterns and deer’s migratory patterns. These are NOT species. In Canada, for example, a total of 1500 to 2000 wildlife deaths have been recorded annually since 2010 due to the fact the migratory patterns of certain animals such as moose and deer have been damaged.

To conclude, this essay has argued I think that that the negative effects to the earth’s natural resources outweigh the benefits that people get because it does not only affects the earth’s flora and fauna but also damages (affects and damages are parallel) the natural habitats of the wildlife.

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