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IELTS Essay Correction: Best Way To Improve Public Health Is To Increase Sports Facilities.

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required?

Discuss both views and give your opinion?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Although While some people believe that sports facilities could be increased to bring improvement in the health of the general public, while (do not use while with although. These are two separate constructions – while X, Y; although X, Y. While and Although are not the same. Here you should prefer WHILE. Please read a short explanation – WHILE vs ALTHOUGH.) others ponder that only this measure alone would have marginal effects on peoples’ health, and we need to find out other possible ways such as a healthy diet. In my opinion, increasing the number of sports facilities  could not be effective in it’s entirety. People should consider the importance of healthy diet to stay fit(Let us keep your opinion short – I think we need a combination of the two approaches to stay fit.)

You can choose to read my article on INTRODUCTION. Though you’ve structured it well, this article will refine your writing style.

On the one hand, some people assert that more sports facilities lead to a healthy life style (You’ve already stated this in the introduction. This is redundant and will count as repetition. Jump to the explanation. On the one hand, the availability of sports facilities encourages people….). In other words, the availability of these facilities encourages people to take interest in physical activities. This is because people are often lazy and are not bothered to be involved in boring exercises such as walking and running in public parks (1). For instance, when people return home after their day jobs, they do not make any effort to go out for any physical activity. However, if they find a football field near their residence, it is highly likely that they would go out and play because of their interest in the game (2). Thus, they would keep their bodies fit by playing a sport of their choice.

1. Incomplete argument. If people are lazy, how do sports facilities encourage them? Complete the argument with this sentence: Sports facilities have numerous different activities that prevent the development of any monotony. Note that you need to develop both ideas and examples completely.

2. Though the example is fine, you can make it short: For instance, when I return home after a day’s work, I am disinclined to exercise. Rather I prefer playing football and basketball (= numerous different activities) with my friends.

Though you’ve made a nice attempt in developing the argument and example, the former needs to be logically completed and the latter can be shortened (written concisely). The first sentence is obsolete.

On the other hand, some people argue that the availability of sports facilities for physical activities is not the only way to keep our bodies fit, and I  agree (This is redundant and will count as repetition. Find another way to state this – On the other hand, there are alternative ways such as a healthy diet to keep our body fit. Now, explain healthy diet and its role in keeping people fit.). This is because a healthy diet is more important than any kind of physical activity in order to keep our body in good shape. (3) For example, there is no point of running five kilometers a day, if a person takes a high content of oil and sugar in his/her diet on a regular basis. Therefore, a well balanced diet should be considered with higher precedence. Indulging only in sports activities does not guarantees guarantee a healthy body.

3. Okay, this is not an explanation. You’ve written a vague sentence. IMPORTANT? How? Be specific in your response. The more specific and precise you are, the better you will score in task response. Note the specific manner in which I’ve written below.

On the other hand, there are alternative ways such as a healthy diet to keep our body fit. A disregard for proper diet can lead to malnourishment as well as obesity. A person can be deficient in essential nutrients such as iron and have high cholesterol despite regular exercise. (despite regular exercise – develops context) For example …….

In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I opine that a healthy diet plays a significant role for a healthy life. Hence, people should not undermine the importance of a healthy diet along with any kind of physical exertion.

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