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IELTS Essay Correction: Average Life Expectancy Is Increasing.

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The pace of demographic aging has been rapidly increasing than the past decades (1). In my view, this poses fiscal as well as economic pressures for governments (well said). There are a few methods to address these problems.

1. Can’t compare apples and oranges. You’re comparing pace of demographic ageing with decades. Restructure (compare time with time): The pace of demographic ageing has rapidly increased during the last few years than in the previous decades.

Population aging causes multiple problems in many countries. First, it challenges governments financially. As individuals age, their bodies significantly deteriorate which predisposes them to many health problems such as cardiovascular diseases, respiratory diseases, and diabetes. Consequently, the need for healthcare spending also increases. In Canada, for example, almost 45% of the provincial budget has been allocated for those over 65 as claimed by The Canadian Medical Association in 2017. Another thing is that (Moreover, it also …..) it also results to in slower economic growth stunt (2) due to increased demand in for (demand in distorts the meaning of this sentence.) the productive workforce. As the older population dominates the workforce, the productivity in of businesses decreases. Therefore, businesses they earn lesser revenue as compared to employing younger ones(Oops! – 3) 

2. “Stunt” has two meanings – as a noun it means an exciting action; as a verb it means preventing development or growth. You’ve used it as a noun. Use it as an action (verb). Your verb is RESULTSReplace it with stuntIt stunts the economic growth. (Remember the sentence structure – Subject-Verb-Object.)

3. Same mistake as highlighted in the point number 1. You’ve compared businesses with younger employees. That’s incorrect. Restructure: Therefore, they earn lesser revenue with older employees than with younger employees.

IDEA 1: An organized response. Pronoun usage (IT), collocations, explanation, such as, cohesion are perfect.

Nonetheless, there are viable solutions for these challenges. The foremost solution is to encourage countries to strictly coordinate with the World Health Organization’s aim that is to provide Healthy Aging of ensuring healthy aging (Avoid using CAPITAL letters). It suggests that policies should be made in order to enhance the functional abilities of the seniors. Certainly, not all of the ageing population them are ill. Some of them have the potential to contribute economically. For example, allowing them to have part-time jobs such as working only 4 hours a day can help them achieve a sense of fulfillment. (NOTE: This solution is neither for promoting health of the seniors nor increasing their economic productivity. – 4) Apart from this, ensuring proper trainings and adequate staffing in long term care facilities will also help them maintain their functional levels. This helps in reducing stress and loneliness that they feel which also predisposes them to various health risks as mentioned beforehand(This is not a new solution but an extension of the previous solution. Please suggest a solution for the productivity problem. – 5) 

4. …… enhance the functional abilities of seniors. This creates a sense of fulfillment and reduces stress and loneliness. This is beneficial for their health and cuts the government’s health expenses. (Solution to the problem of health and finances)

5. Moreover, if they are allowed to work for only 4 hours every day (Your idea – repackaged) and are paid a partial salary, they can immensely enhance the productivity of business operations through their expertise and wisdom.

The solutions are good. But they are not structured well. Please restructure them according to the problems.

To conclude, financial and economical economic constraints are the two main problems that arise from the rapid increase of the ageing population, but I believe having the same vision with as the World Health Organization and promoting the functional levels of older individuals will surely help in easing the pressures resulting from these problems.

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