Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Young People Leave Rural Areas.

Nowadays in many countries, young people leave rural areas to study or work in cities. Is it a positive or negative development?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

At present, in many countries, young people migrate from rural to urban areas for better education or employment opportunities. In my opinion, migration is beneficial for them because cities have better higher education institutions and numerous employers as compared to rural areas. (The introduction is well written. The opening statement is a nice paraphrasing of the question statement. The student has mentioned the reasons supporting her opinion.)

To begin with, young people in their young age (youngsters) move to cities for education because they do not get better higher good quality educational opportunities in small towns and villages. This is because n (Do not overuse because) (It is not necessary to have a cohesive/ connecting device in all sentences. I, in fact, dissuade students from doing this.) Nearly all the well-known universities are located in cities. These (2) Unlike those in rural areas, these institutions (Don’t use DO before NOT ONLY) do not only have modern research facilities but also employee well have experienced faculty members (1). In order to be successful in any particular discipline, young people prefer to live in cities to get admission and study in these prestigious universities. (This sentence does not convey anything meaningful. It makes no contribution in building an argument. In fact, your argument is complete with the previous sentence.) For instance, I moved to London from a small town of Yorkshire in 2008 for higher education. There was no university at that time in my hometown where I could have gone to complete my tertiary education. Thus, people migrate to urban areas for quality education.

1. This sentence violates parallelism – Not only X but also Y. The first words of X and Y should belong to the same family. You can structure this in two ways – not only have (verb) ….. but also have (verb)….” OR “have not only modern (adjective) ….. but also experienced (adjective) ….”

2. If you make a comparison with institutes in the rural areas, you will score better bands in task response.

In addition, in contrast to the rural areas, (better context) nearly all the cities are mushroomed (3) with numerous companies offering competitive salary packages to eligible candidates. When young people with demanding marketable/ excellent (4) skills and qualifications are employed in these companies, they get a chance in life to change improve their living standards. They do (Don’t use DO before NOT ONLY) not only satisfy their basic necessities such as food and housing but also indulge themselves in augmented qualities of life (5). For example, a recent survey taken in 2018 has suggested that nearly 80% of the migrants living in New York city have become financially stronger after migration. This is because the city has offered them better work opportunities as compared to their home towns. Therefore, a move from rural areas to cities is advantageous for young people.

3. It is better to write this sentence in active voice. In addition, in contrast to the rural areas, various companies that offer attractive salaries have cropped up (mushroomed) in the urban areas. 

Please read my article on why you should try writing in active voice. Active Voice or Passive Voice?

4. Wrong word choice: demanding = something that requires a lot of time and energy. This is a demanding task. That is, this task requires a lot of efforts. Marketable on the other hand means something which is in demand and people are ready to pay for it.

5. You can’t indulge yourself in quality of life. You can indulge yourself in luxury. Two possible structures: … but also indulge in luxuries such as expensive cars” OR …. “but also earn better living standards.”

In conclusion,  people move from villages to cities because of the work and education facilities. This move is important for them because it transforms their lives in many fruitful ways.

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