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IELTS Essay Correction: Benefits And Drawbacks Of International Tourism.

International tourism has become a huge industry in the world. Some people think that problems caused by international tourism outweigh the benefits. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays people are eager to explore new places, therefore, international tourism becomes has become the largest industry worldwide. It is thought that international tourism it has various drawbacks, which is similar to my own opinion, since it has negative effects (= drawbacks) on the local environment, economy, and culture. (The sentence structure is weird. It is thought that is not required. Which is similar to my opinion can simply be replaced by I believe. Write simple and clear sentence structures: I believe it has various drawbacks since it destroys the environment and dilutes (weakens) culture.)

One of the problems caused by the international tourism is its negative impact on the local environment. Firstly, providing accommodation for tourists needs to (1) cut down trees which leads to the local natural habitats’ destruction. Secondly, using local foods, water, and basic needs (2) by tourists (Passive voice. Make it active) put pressure on the local resources, (what results? Missing subject. Fragment sentence.) and this results in the lack a severe shortage of natural resources (3). Moreover, tourists may destroy the environment completely in the long run by throwing away plastic bags and non-biodegradable wastes irresponsibly. 

1. the use of ‘TO’ means – ‘providing accommodation for tourists’ (subject) is ‘cutting down the trees’ (object). You need to change the sentence structure to prevent misunderstanding. Firstly, to provide accommodation for tourists (a modifier, no longer a subject), we (subject) need to cut down the trees which leads to ………

2. Using is connected to local food, water, basic needs. You can’t use basic needs. Moreover, basic need includes food and water. Secondly, the basic needs of tourists such as food and water put huge pressure on …..

3. LACK = not enough. this results in not enough of something. Sounds strange. Right?

Economy Economic catastrophe is the second problem caused by the international tourists. Local and small companies can easily be influenced negatively by introducing more affordable products by tourists (are tourists introducing more affordable products? 4) (5) since the local people encourage are encouraged (how are they encouraged? The argument is not logically developed.) to use fake brands that work properly and cost much less than the original brands. Furthermore, the small local companies are forced to close due to new people’s changing habits of people (who are new people? Is this due to tourists? Say this both in the idea and the example.) (6). (Who is drinking? Missing subject. Fragment sentence.) Drinking coffee instead of local drinks, which is the simple example of the new drinking habits introduced by tourists for example, shuts down small tea companies all around the world. (writing fewer words to express an idea is valued in the IELTS exam. Write concisely.) (For example, the regular presence (subject) of American tourists in Himachal has changed people’s habit from drinking tea to drinking coffee. This has resulted in shutting down of many tea businesses.)

4. You can avoid numerous sentence structuring mistakes by writing in active voice. It also allows the clear use of pronouns to refer back to subject in the previous sentence. Secondly, the international tourists cause an economic catastrophe. They (refer back to international tourists) can easily influence local and small companies to offer more affordable products. They introduce international brands to the local market and this compels the local companies to introduce fake brands at a cheap price.

5. When should you put a stop to a sentence? Your sentence is already too long. It needs to be broken down. Note that I’ve broken it into two parts in point number 4. The former mentions that companies are compelled to offer affordable products. The latter explains how. 

Please read this article on sentence structuring.

6. Furthermore, they (refers back to tourists) also introduce new habits to the local population and this (referencing) often forces existing shops out of business. 

Finally, tourists’ cultural invasion is the other disadvantage of the international tourists (you’ve already mentioned tourists’). Young people are more likely to follow the new culture brings brought in by visitors (7) such as wearing Jeans and celebrating Halloween, which are important in the Western culture. Following the Western culture (repetition – western culture. Prefer a referencing device instead.) this results in the vanishing of local culture in the near future. The recent British research shows that after five decades small countries’ culture will not exist anymore(This is not a strong example. You’ve written more than enough. Avoid writing weak examples once you’ve crossed the word limit.)

7. such as is an excellent device to give examples. However, it exemplifies the NOUN it is placed next to. In your sentence, it does not give examples of new culture but of visitors. Restructure: Young people are more likely to follow the tourists’ culture such as …….

In conclusion, due to various negative effects of international tourists on local environment, economy, and culture, it seems to be of paramount importance for governments to pass an international legislation to protect nations against from these disadvantages.

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