Some people say that it is necessary to give importance to your career, while some say that it’s important to spend time with your family and friends. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Some believe that it is important to treat
carrier career (wrong word choice) as very essential because it is necessary in order to survive (Essential = necessary.) helps in earning a livelihood, whereas others think that spending time with family members and friends is crucial since it helps to strengthen relationships. I agree with the former view.
On the one hand, some people, including me, think that a stable
carrier career is necessary to survive in this competitive world. Without a good job or work, it becomes not only becomes extremely (adverb) challenging to manage the day to day expenses but also immensely (adverb) difficult to take care of our family members (1). For example, employees in IBM who are always punctual to work and consistently performing perform in their job are always valued by their employer and are paid (2) an additional 30 percent of their basic salary as a cash incentive. However, employees who are late to work and do (Just a lesson – Note that here again the construction is “X and Y”. But this is perfect since the first word of X is ARE and the first word of Y is DO. Both are parallel.) not complete their projects within the stipulated timelines are laid off, leading to difficulty in managing their day to day life.
1. Parallelism violation: not only X but also Y. The first words of X and Y should be parallel. The first word of X is becomes and the first word of Y is immensely. While the former is a verb, the latter is an adverb.
2. Construction: “X and Y”. If you want ARE to be common for both X and Y, the first words should be parallel. While always is an adverb, paid is a verb. Better put ARE with both X and Y so that parallelism is maintained.
Though there are a few grammar mistakes, the paragraph above is very well developed in terms of cohesion, logic, task response and lexical resource.
On the other hand, some think that in order to maintain a healthy relationship with family and friends, it is important to spend time with them.
Since s Spending time together with family members (with family members = together) helps them to show concern and leads (perfect parallelism) to stronger bonds between them as compared to people who do not spend much time together invest time in developing career only (3) (Let us make a comparison with the other group. This will strengthen the task response.). For instance, since (Another wrong use of SINCE) people who do not spend much time with their families are usually found to have issues in their marital life such as divorces because of the lack of communication. Similarly, many of my friends meet at least twice a week, in order to stay connected and offer help to each other in case of any problems.
3. Wrong construction. “Since X, Y” takes the form of cause and effect. You’ve written X but not Y. In fact, there is no need of SINCE.
The ideas in the second body paragraph are very well developed.
In conclusion, while some people think that it is essential to spend time with friends and family members because it strengthens their bonds, I believe that carrier should be treated as critical since our entire life is dependent on it.
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