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IELTS Essay Correction: Multicultural Societies Have More Benefits Than Drawbacks.

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Diversity in cultures and society is according to me (this demands use of commas. You can avoid the comma mistake by writing I believe. See the last sentence.) very essential for healthy and happy relationships in any civilization. People living in societies with huge varieties of culture, traditions, and languages attain certain qualities which may not be seen in monocultural ones. I believe this has a lot of advantages and no disadvantages. 

I’ve changed your opinion to suit the body paragraphs. If you write “this has more advantages than disadvantage”, you must write one body paragraph (a small one) explaining at least one disadvantage. However, you haven’t written any. Both your body paragraphs are on advantages.

There are more positive aspects than negatives of a society where one can find people of different ethnic groups living together. (This is your opinion. State this in the introduction. See the last sentence of the introduction.) Firstly, The greatest advantage of such a society is that people living in a diverse environment tend to have the quality of tolerance towards others fellow friends (not the most appropriate words). (You’ve conveyed the idea. Now explain it.) They are more aware of religious practices, food, clothing, and language of people of different ethnicities. They are, thus, more accommodating and welcoming than people who have never experienced these cultures. Moreover, (The use of moreover suggests that this is a new point. It is not. Incorrect connecting device will reduce your score.) it is very easy for people living in multicultural societies to accept someone who is entirely from a different ethnic group (This sentence is the same as the previous one. Quality of tolerenceaccept someone). For instance, India has been known to be the most diverse country of all and it can be clearly seen through history i (The purpose ends here. The following part is an explanation – a new purpose.) . It has welcomed all types of people with open arms, be it Mughals or Britishers and some of their traditions are still prevailing here. (What is the benefit? The question’s context is missing.)

The example can be better structured as: India, for instance, has accepted people of different cultural backgrounds such as Iranians, Europeans, Mughals, and Arabs and they have easily mixed (assimilated) with the native population. This makes India an example of unity in diversity and peaceful coexistance.

Note that I’ve mentioned people of different backgrounds as examples within an example. This makes the response specific and precise.

Moving further Moreover, countries with various ethnic groups have the privilege to enjoy different festivals such as Diwali, Eid, and Christmas of each other which bring them together to celebrate. Consequently, unity is reinforced at these occasions even if any bitterness existed before. (The point is well argued. But it can be strengthened by mentioning a few festivals.) People also enjoy different dressing attires (= dresses) in a multicultural society which again act as a binding force among masses (HOW? Explain it.). Also, people in such communities can enjoy different art forms and skills particular to one community (Which art forms? Name a few. How does this help. The explanation is not complete.). Food is another thing which people can have a variety to choose from in a society with multiple ethnic groups. To substantiate, there is a wide variety of food available in any restaurant you visit in India, (link WHICH with food, not India) which are entirely from a different part of a the country (You’ve already named the country. Use article the to refer back to it.) (How is this beneficial?).

The paragraph above suffers from a serious flaw. It raises four points – festivals, attires, art forms, food. But, except one, none of them is explained. Better raise two points and explain them with proper context (task response) than write four and explain none. Let us take food: Also, the diversity of food is a source of social cohesion among multiple ethnic groups. For instance, many restaurants in Goa serve Punjabi, Jain, Western, Italian, Thai, Continental, and Chinese foods. This allows people of different ethnic groups to site at one place and enjoy meals. This builds a sense of unity in society.

In conclusion, I would like to reaffirm my stand in favor of multicultural societies and the benefits they offer over a single ethnic group. Undoubtedly, there will be some conflict (should have explained conflict as a disadvantage. See changes in the introduction.), however, it is a part every society, multi or monocultural.

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