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IELTS Essay Correction: Teach Skills Or Academic Subjects?

All Parents want the best opportunities for their children. There are some people who believe schools should teach children skills while others think that having a range of subject is better for the children’s future. Discuss both sides and give your opinion?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Every parent wants his children to get the best opportunities in their life. It is argued by some that schools should focus on teaching skills, (no comma) which help them in overcoming hurdles of life, while, (no comma here) others consider that they should include a variety of subjects in their curriculum that helps help in the all around development of the child. (1) I agree with the former opinion.

Note the placement of COMMA in the construction: While X, Y; X, while Y. 

1. You’ve used three cohesive devices to construct a complex sentence. Good job! “A which B, While X that Y” This is a wonderful work in connecting two contrasting ideas using WHILE and adding reasons using WHICH and THAT.

Teaching various life skills ought to be the first priority of education. It should inculcate skills such as problem-solving, decision making and team leading, into children (pupils) which will help them in overcoming various obstacles of life (inculcate something into someone – the proper use of the word inculcate). For example, Bill Gates, who did not complete his university education but due to his decision making and leadership skills, today is the CEO of Microsoft Corporation (2). Moreover, effective oral and written communication should be developed from the early phase of education. This will help them in communicating their ideas fearlessly in a group discussion during job interviews. For instance, every employer has the prerequisite of effective communication  skills beside technical skills(3)

2. Wrong sentence structure. You’ve made an excellent attempt in constructing a modifier. However, you included the reason for why he is the CEO (the main sentence) in the modifier. Modifier gives additional information about a noun (Bill Gates) and no part of the main sentence should go into the modifier. PLUS, the use of DUE TO indicates that you want to give a reason for something. If you put it in the modifier, that something is missing. Restructure: For example, Bill Gates, who did not complete his university education, started Microsoft and made it a multi-billion dollar company DUE TO the decision making and leadership skills he learned from his school teachers(School teachers – important to maintain task response.)

3. Unknowingly, you’ve added an example in the idea sentence (discussion during job interviews). You do not need to write for instance and build a separate sentence to write examples. You can sprinkle them in idea sentences like icing on the cake. Let me explain: This will help them in communicating their ideas flawlessly to their peers, family members, colleagues, customers, and superiors.

On the other hand, some believe that student’s syllabus should have a range of subjects. In this way, students he learns each and every subject, which helps in his all-around (overall, holistic) development. For example, he not only develops technical skills by learning computer science but he also (4) becomes completely aware of social, political and economic scenarios of the world by learning history, economics, and political science. (the example is well constructed. Good job!) Moreover, this also gives the opportunity to students to take these subjects in his their (a plural subject should have a plural pronoun) secondary and tertiary studies if they develop an interest he founds interest in them. A recent study has stated that most of the revolutionaries of the 20th century had a keen interest in the histories of their nations which prompted them to rise above all and fight for freedom. (Did they study history in school? Did the exposure to history subject during school encourage them to fight for the freedom? Task response is inadequate. You’ve made the same mistake in the example on Bill Gates in body paragraph 1. Please see point number 2. Keep it simple.) For example, it is impossible for a person to become a doctor or an engineer if she does not gain exposure to the science subjects during school. An exposure to history, mathematics, biology, physics, humanities is important to choose a career.

4. Parallelism: … he not only develops …. but also becomes ….. = not only he develops …. but also he becomes.

In Conclusion, in my opinion, it is should be (you’re proposing something) compulsory for schools (a school) to incorporate various life skills in students so they can face the adversaries adversities of life with an open mind and should (5) communicate without any fear.

5. Parallelism: … so that they can 1. FACE ….. and 2. COMMUNICATE …. Face and communicate are verbs and, hence, parallel.

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