Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Aid From International Organizations.

More developing countries are given aid from international organizations to help them in their development plans. Some people argue that financial aid is important but others suggest that practical aid and advice are more important?

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The developing countries are provided financial aid from international agencies in order to accomplish their development goals (Try writing in active voice: The international agencies provide financial aid to developing countries to accomplish their development goals.). It is argued by some people (Try writing in active voice: Some people argue that) that this is important for the economic development of a nation, while others consider that practical aid and advice is more vital as it can make a country self-reliant. I agree with the latter opinion.

The financial aid given by the international organizations (1) can help in accelerating the economic development of a country. A government can invest this money in building a world-class infrastructure of for health care, education, and public transport. This infrastructure will bridge the gap between the wealthy and the developing poor economies (2), which will attract foreign companies to invest in that nation (that nation is incorrect here. But it is correct in the alternate structure I’ve given below. Can you guess why?) and will help in eradicating the problems of unemployment and poverty (3). For example, the building of world-class facilities in Indian metropolitan cities build with the help of world bank in the last 10 years, (no comma) has attracted a large number of multinational companies and has increased the GDP growth rate from 3 to 7 percent.

1. Make only one thing specific – financial aid or international organizations. Financial aid given by the international organizations…..

2. Use comparable to compare. wealthy-poor; developing-developed.

3. The order of ideas is skewed. The correct order should be: infrastructure – attracts companies – reduces unemployment – bridges gap. A government can invest this money for building a world-class infrastructure for healthcare, education, and public transport. This attracts global enterprises to that country and these companies generate tax revenue for the government and jobs for the local population. This, in turn, bridges the economic gap between the rich and poor countries.

On the other hand, it is believed that practical aid and expertise is are more vital. These organizations should impart practical skill-based trainings to the local people by sending teams of expert, (no comma) that can enable them to become self-employed and, therefore, reducing reduce (parallelism – reduce, enable) the stress on the government to provide jobs. Moreover, (This is not a new point but an explanation of the previous idea. Use connecting devices only to raise a new idea.) For example, the World Food Organisation can train locals should be exposed to in advanced technologies and methods for doing agriculture so that that they can become self-sufficient and export food products. Green revolution is the prime example of this. The massive growth experienced by farmers with help of foreign crop scientists, made India not only a self-sufficient country in food grains but they are now exporting it a major exporter of food grains to western countries. (Parallelism – …. India not only X but also Y. The first word of X and Y should be parallel. X = self-sufficient = adjective; Y = they = pronoun. Let us put an ARTICLE as the first word of X and Y.)

Despite numerous mistakes highlighted above, the ideas are well developed in a specific manner.

In conclusion, I consider that the international agencies should emphasise on providing practical aid and advice to the developing nations, (no comma) which will boost the engine of their economy and will make a country them (nations = plural. Need a plural pronoun.) self reliant.

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

4 replies »

    • Of course, you can. You can talk about the availability of patented and costly medicines at a cheap price in developing countries due to the ​aid provided by agencies such as the United Nations and USAID. This, in fact, helped in eradicating malaria from India in the first decade of the 21st century.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.