Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Use Internet To Socialize.

More and more young people use the Internet to socialize. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

With the proliferation of technology, most youngsters use the Internet for social interaction these days worldwide. While there is an assumption that it is the a positive development, I believe that it has numerous negative impacts on the young adults’ demeanor and health. (demeanour is not the same as behaviour. The former refers to outward appearance.)

Youngsters’ behaviour is diversely seriously affected by the widespread use of the Internet. They prefer to use Yahoo messenger, Viber, and Twitter (good examples) to communicate with their families and friends. Consequently, (1) one-on-one interaction that is very important to express their feelings and receive others’ positive impression vanishes. This leads to aggressive behaviour in the individuals using the Internet in the long run (no need to mention again that they are using the internet. The reader knows that.). From psychological standpoints, in the year 2015, British teenagers who were arrested for aggressive behaviour due to the Internet usage for communication increased by 25 percent. (Not a strong example. You’ve used aggressive behaviour in the idea statement. Please explain it with a few terms (names). A psychological study in 2015 in Britain concluded that lack of personal interaction and overuse of social media by teenagers has increased the rate of crimes such as violent fights, property destruction, vandalism, theft and murders by at least 25 percent in the last decade.)

1. There is no need to use the connecting device – consequently. Overuse of these devices will impact your score.

Though you’ve made a nice attempt in developing arguments, a lot of improvement is needed. Keep up the efforts.

Moreover, physical and mental health issues are the result of using the Internet especially in by young adults. They glue to the small screen such as laptops and smart phones days and nights day and night. Therefore, (wrong cohesive device. This suggests as if you have DISCUSSED sedentary lifestyle earlier and now you’re explaining its drawbacks.) sedentary life styles (Is this lifestyle due to use of smartphones? Note point 2.) brings about obesity, high blood sugar and cholesterol which leads to heart and brain stroke in the adulthood (2). Meanwhile, Moreover, (please check the dictionary meaning of Meanwhilelooking at the a small screen for the a long time for communication ends up in mental problem and depression. (How? Explain the idea. 3.) A survey shows that the successful suicidal attempts are increased among the young adults who have physical and mental problems because of using the Internet for the long hours daily. (Instead of talking about suicide in a survey, put it in the explanation part of the idea. See 3 below.)

2. Better sentence structuring. Let us connect the sedentary lifestyle with laptops and smartphones. Then give the consequences of this in the next sentence. Since they are glued to small screens of laptops and smartphones, they get accustomed to a sedentary lifestyle and are not inclined to exercise. This leads to several health ailments such as …… (note the underlined cohesive devices.)

3. Moreover, looking at a small screen for a long time leads to several mental problems. (In the following sentences let us explain how this leads to mental problems and name a few such problems.) When youngsters spend time on the internet instead of investing it with other humans, they get social isolation. This often develops long-term depression, anxiety, and fear of people. They lose confidence and, in extreme cases, commit suicide.

In conclusion, due to various negative impacts of using the Internet among young adults, it is of paramount importance for governments to pass a law to ban of using the Internet for communication and persuade the youngsters to gather in certain areas to socialize.   

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