Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Music and Arts Are Features Of Every Society.

Music and other arts seem to be features of every society. In what ways are music and other arts important for societies and for individuals?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Today, music and other forms of art appear are considered (appear to be an ….) as an important aspect of societies. In this essay, I will suggest that people and communities benefit through these as it promotes arts promote (IT can’t refer to a plural subject) their well-being and it also contributes immensely to local economies.

To graduate your score to higher bands (8 or 9), you must avoid redundant words such as ‘in this essay’. Note that I have included music in overall term ARTS. There is cohesion through THEY (a subtle form of cohesion) and I’ve avoided redundant words.

Today, arts such as music, dance, and painting are considered to be an important aspect of every society. They are instrumental in promoting the well-being of individuals by reducing stress and in ensuring economic benefits for local communities.

Throughout times, music and arts have aided (1) in treating people’s illnesses and in promoting their mental health (perfect parallelism). This is mainly because they help in regulating human’s physiological functions such as regulating body blood pressure, heart rate, pulse, and decreasing levels of stress hormones. In a study conducted by the American Medical Association in 2009, the effects of music, painting, plays, poems and dance and art (2) as a means of therapy have been positive as it revealed that it helps they help to reduce stress levels and anxiety of people. As a matter of fact, nurses and recreational therapists, are now using these tools to promote good health. In Canada, for example, they play classical music in hospitals to keep patients in the delivery room and operating room calm. Moreover, they also encourage arts in nursing homes to reduce symptoms of cure depression. (Logic problem – reducing the symptoms is not the same as curing a disease.)

1. Throughout times = something started in the past and continues in the present. Please use Past Perfect Tense.

2. The primary difference between an idea and an example is that an example is MORE specific. It contains NAMES. Be specific by naming the art forms. You’ve done this much better in the second example (Canada).

In addition, it has been known that they help sustain the economy of local communities especially in places where tourism is the main source of revenue. For instance, intricate architectural designs, canals, artistic heritages such as Venetian Carnival and many film festivals in Venice, attract thousands of tourists from all over the world. Certainly, if a place is aesthetically appealing to one’s eye, it would boost tourism in that place. This creates a positive ripple effect because the demands for local art crafts such as souvenirs and employment also increases, in order to compensate for the influx of tourists in the area. (Poor connections between three ideas – tourists, souvenirs, and employment. Create a logical order to build a better sentence structure.) This creates a positive ripple effect because the increased flow of tourists increases the demand for local crafts such as souvenirs which, in turn, generates employment.

The sentence above is poor on cohesion and grammar (sentence structure).

The arguments are very specific and well developed. Except for the concluding sentence, the paragraph scores well on all four assessment criterion. 

To conclude, it has been justified that music and arts provide advantages to both people and society as they serve to promote good health and contributes contribute to the economic welfare of communities.

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