Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: We Have Too Many Choices.

Some people believe that nowadays we have too many choices. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Today’s world offers everyone plenty of choices in every part of the day-to-day life. While some people are of the opinion that too many choices have a negative impact, I personally (‘I’ includes ‘personally’) consider that the availability of various options in different fields, for instance in education or traveling, is beneficial. 

Though the introduction is well written, your opinion is not in accordance with the body paragraph 1. While you’ve agreed that too many choices are good, you’ve written otherwise in body paragraph 1. Let me propose an alternative statement so that the opinion matches with the discussion in the body paragraphs (WHILE X, Y) – “I believe that while too many choices can have a negative impact on children in a few cases, it is extremely beneficial in the domains of education and travel.”

It is certainly true that there are too many choices at times. Let’s Let us take, for example, the Internet: the enormous amount of free resources might have a detrimental impact. Children and teenagers, the most vulnerable age group, having have an unlimited access to free online games and (1) may lose the feeling of reality by spending all their free time in front of the computer. As a consequence, such addiction could worsen adversely impact (worsen gives a sense that they’re already doing bad. Now it gets worse.) their academic performance, affect sociability or distort their perception of the real world (2). From this point of view I would agree that there are too many choices. (Oops! That’s not your opinion in the introduction. Write perfectly in accordance with your opinion as stated in the introduction.)

1. You’ve used TWO modifier clauses here – “the most vulnerable group(M1) and “having unlimited access to free online games(M2). Both should be within commas. Both give additional information about CHILDREN and TEENAGERS. The main sentence is “Children and teenagers may lose the feeling of reality …..“. The problem is that it is very difficult to accommodate two modifiers related to the same subject. Modifiers give an additional information about a subject and they MUST be placed next to that subject. That is, both M1 and M2 must be directly connected to children and teenagers. Alternately, you must remove one modifier and make it part of the main sentence.

Alternate Structure 1 (Note the use of commas with both modifiers. Both are DIRECTLY linked to the subject they modify): Having an unlimited access to free online games, children and teenagers, the most vulnerable group, may lose the feeling ……

Alternate Structure 2: Children and teenagers, the most vulnerable group, have an unlimited access to free online games and may lose the feeling ….. (Only one modifier. I’ve converted the second as part of the main sentence.)

Please read my article on MODIFIERS.

2. Note parallelism – impact, affect, distort – all verbs. Maintain proper logic. Can’t distort real world.

Rules of Parallelism

However, a variety of choices in education has only benefits. Every child has his own abilities and aptitude: one has a flair for humanities, other is interested in natural sciences. Thanks to the availability of different types of educational institutions we are able to choose the right one for us, which meets our personal demands and provides in-depth knowledge in a required subject. Thus, the advantages of a large number of choices here cannot be argued(The concluding statement should not be a paraphrasing of the opening statement. You can aslo give a LARGER PICTURE.) This is immensely advantageous in shaping bright careers for individuals.

Traveling is another area which benefits from a large variety of choices (let us maintain proper context – too many choices. The TOO is missing.). In the past, it was difficult to travel, especially to the foreign countries, due to lack of transport options. But nowadays different modes of transportation allow everyone, regardless of their her (everyone is a singular subject, use a singular pronoun) financial status, to get to their the destinations in the most convenient and quickest way. For this reason, choices simplify our livesIn absence of a wide array of choices, the transport will not only be inconvenient but also expensive. (LARGER PICTURE.)

With the above in mind, I would, therefore, argue that although too many choices may lead to negative consequences on some occasions, they are outweighed by the advantages.

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