Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Having More Money Will Make Happier.

Many people think that having more money will make them happier. How important is money to happiness?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Happiness is a subjective term which changes from one person to another. However, (wrong cohesive device. There is no contrast with the previous sentence.) many people opine that having more money in excess (‘more money’ is not same as ‘money in excess’) has a direct correlation with happiness. Although I believe that money is one of the important ingredients of happiness, there are other factors which can make people satisfied and content. (Though satisfaction and contentment are close to happiness, I suggest not changing the NOUNS in the essay statement. Let happiness be happiness. Restructure your sentence: Although I believe money is one of the important ingredients of happiness, it can also result from other factors such as ………..)

Firstly, money is essential to enjoy the everyday comforts. This is because almost every product, service, food item and commodity has a market monetary value. One cannot be happy if one cannot pay to fulfill the basic requirements of life such as food and clothes. People need to possess sufficient money to satisfy these needs. Therefore, to achieve happiness in today’s world, having adequate monetary funds (funds are always monetary in nature. Lexical resource issue.) are absolutely crucial. (The question is not about adequate money but more money. This will reduce task response score.)

Therefore, having more money gives the power to purchase better goods and greater comforts which are essential to make a person happy.

However, if money were the only catalyst (precursor) (wrong word choice – catalyst refers to something that brings change or accelerates something. Not the most appropriate word here.) that leads to source of (criterion for) happiness, then affluent people would be the happiest ones but this is not the case. Physical and mental well being is vital for a person to attain happiness. To illustrate, (this is NOT an illustration but an explanation) a healthy person from a disadvantaged background has more chances to be happy is happier than those who come from rich families but suffer severely from some chronic diseases. In addition, a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of being important are two important aspects that make humans happy. Various sociological researches have shown that people who have achieved goals in their lives, such as winning a gold medal in Olympics or securing a dream job, are more content than those who have merely accumulated wealth (make a proper comparison to maintain context) not achieved (any). Similarly, people who have high self-esteem or are (parallelism – X or Y. The first word of X (have) should be parallel to the first word of Y (are)) greatly appreciated in their social circle are more likely to be happy.

Though you’ve tried to develop arguments, you’ve ended up making mistakes in all domains (LR, Cohesion, TR, GR) in the paragraph above.

In conclusion, while money is important to fulfill basic needs, which in turn bring happiness, sound health and sense of achievement are vital to lead a happy and content life.

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.