Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Better For Large Companies And Industries To Move To Regional Areas.

Some people think that it would be better for large companies and industries to move to regional areas outside large urban centers. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Some people assert that it is beneficial for large corporations and industries to move to the rural areas from the urban ones (1). In my opinion, the decision to relocate to rural areas is far more advantageous than drawbacks because companies can achieve economies of scale through cheaper resources, (use a comma before AND only if you mention three or more things. That’s called Oxford Comma.) and can reduce the carbon footprint in the cities.

1. I strongly recommend that the first sentence should only be about the core of the essay. You’ve mentioned about BENEFITS in the first as well as the second sentence. First should only be about ‘Large corporations and industries moving to rural areas’. Reserve benefits for the second sentence only. Many large corporations have moved away from urban areas to rural ones in the past few years. In my opinion, THIS is far more …….

Note that if you don’t mention BENEFITS, it allows you to use THIS as a cohesive device.

Admittedly, there are some disadvantages when industrial units are moved to rural areas. Firstly, rural these (referencing) areas lack infrastructure such as electricity and roads which is are (2) essential for the operations. Big industrial units cannot operate without a consistent supply of electricity and the (3) availability of smooth roads for transportation of finished and semi-finished goods. As a result, when they are shifted to rural areas, they suffer from lower output, inferior production, and sub-optimal profits. (The argument can be better completed.) Secondly, it is quite challenging for companies to find skilled labor in the rural areas. This is because people (which people?) the residents of these areas do not have quality education and, because of this, they are seldom equipped with the skills required by many large firms. However, all of these challenges are manageable and can be addressed effectively with diligence.

2. If you want to use ‘which is’, the right format is: … lack infrastructure, such as electricity and roads, which is essential ….

3. While consistent is an adjective, availability is a noun. This violates parallelism’s principle. Better use ARTICLES before both.

Nevertheless, moving industrial units to rural areas brings about many benefits. One advantage is that companies can reduce their environmental footprint in cities. Urban areas are already mushroomed (4) with many large manufacturing units. The smoke emitting from them increases the level of carbon dioxide, which eventually pollutes the already polluted local (5) atmosphere. Therefore, moving the factories to rural areas would decrease the pollution level in cities. Another positive aspect is that companies can achieve economies of scale when they move to rural areas. Resources such as land and labor are significantly cheaper in rural areas these regions as compared to cities. For instance, the 2018 annual report generated by Tata Industries has declared an annual saving of two million Indian Rupees because of relocating their factories from Mumbai city to nearby rural areas. Therefore, it is more advantageous for companies to move to rural areas(Do not write this concluding statement since it is same as the opening statement and does not convey anything new.)

4. You can’t mushroom something with another thing. BUT, something can mushroom in an area. That is, prefer Active Voice with this word: Many large manufacturing units have mushroomed in urban areas during the past few decades.

5. Let us be more clear that we mean urban atmosphere which is already very polluted. Not any atmosphere. Or not the atmosphere of the entire earth. This is important since the units will still pollute the atmosphere if they are shifted to rural areas.

The arguments are better developed in BP2 than in BP1. In BP1, you have a scope to develop point 1 in a better way. Need to change sentence structures at a few places to convey the ideas more clearly. LR is good. Cohesion is fine.

In conclusion, I believe that although moving to rural areas could create some manageable challenges, but (do not use BUT with ALTHOUGH) these drawbacks are eclipsed by the shadows of significant savings and reduced environmental impact.

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