Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Money As A Measure Of Success.

Success is often measured in terms of how much money somebody has earned. Do you think wealth is a good measure of success? How else could we measure whether somebody is successful or not?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Some people think that most of the time success can be determined by the amount of money that an individual earns. However, others argue that there are other ways to prove whether a person is successful or not. I agree with the latter view(This is not a ‘discuss both views and give your opinion‘ essay. Mention your view instead of writing ‘others argue‘.) However, I believe, there are other ways such as …… and ….. to prove whether a person is successful or not. 

In my view, every individual works hard to earn money to satisfy their her desire to gain earn more profit (some words are more appropriate than others. With profit, earn seems better than gain.) (Sounds strange – earn money to earn more profit. … earn money to satisfy her material desires.). Nonetheless, it is not a good indicator of being successful success because there are some (who are these?) who are still discontented about their life (1). (EXPLAIN why they feel discontented.) As a matter of fact, some of the rich people in the world claim that money is not everything (then mention the other thing.). They may be able to afford luxurious things such as a limo, but still feel unhappy (why? What makes them happy and successful?). To make matters worse, some of them even feel depressed as they long for love and belongingness.  

1. Let us write in a manner that establishes strong connections. In my view, people work hard to earn money so that they can purchase goods and services. Despite this, they feel discontented with life. Merely acquiring money and purchasing luxury items does not bring satisfaction, rather it comes from making meaningful contributions to society. For example, after earning billions of dollars, Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, has ventured into philanthropy in various parts of the world and he has called this work as his true measure of success.

Both in BP1 and BP2, you need to mention the alternatives. If money is not a measure of success, what is? Take two points and explain them in comparison with money.

Furthermore, (wrong cohesive device. You’re not raising a new point in a series of points.) other determinants of success include being able To feel successful, a person needs to experience self-fulfillment, which means that a the person is able to realize his full potential. This (This refers to self-fulfillment. If the person is self-fulfilled, he has already achieved his dreams. It can’t help him achieve.) helps him to achieve his dreams and aspirations, and it (what differs? IT does not refer to anything.) differs from one person to another. For an artist, being able to finish his masterpiece for the first time is a form of an accomplishment. For an athlete, being able to win in a championship game is a form of triumph. For a student, having finished his course with flying colors is a determinant of success. Following these examples, (They are NOT following these examples.) they may be able to fulfill their goals, but it does not mean that they have thick wallets.

To feel successful, a person needs to experience self-fulfillment which refers to realizing full potential. A person aiming at this goal does not run after accumulating wealth but works hard to accomplish dreams. For example, the true measure of success for an artist is not to sell her creation for a million dollars. Rather, it is to create an innovative masterpiece. Similarly, an athlete does not practice to find companies with which he can advertise and earn money. His true success is in winning a competition.

You need to work on proper (logical) explanation of ideas. Make sure the connections between sentences (referencing and connecting devices) are necessary and make perfect sense. Wrong or unnecessary use will reduce the score in CC.

To conclude, although some people feel that having a vast amount of money is a good indicator of success, I am in favor that intangible things such as love and sense of fulfillment are the best determinants of being successful. 

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